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Thank you!

gabriella

Broken

i broke up with Maximus today.

It was my choice, not my preference.

i feel i had no other choice, feel badgered.

He does not agree.

It started Thursday on my way up to see Him. He called to tell me about His plans for His evening after i arrived. His plans were to spend the evening eating pizza and drinking wine at Swimmer Guy's house. Just them. i was to hang out at His place.

Nice. Not.

This trip has been planned for months. i've taken vacation, arranged my schedule. And now, with a sick grandmother, am making arrangements to come home immediately should the situation decline and she pass away. It's been a priority. And now, it is apparent to me that i was not.

"Can i come with You?"...pregnant pause. "Uh, well, it's just that Swimmer Guy wants to talk."

He already has plans to swim with him in the morning, go to brunch, and take him to the airport; all of which was planned and i was totally fine with. This is not planned and happens right after i'm set to arrive there. i feel like i've been slapped in the face.

i stop to visit my grandmother and can't figure out why i'm even going up now. i text:

Would You prefer that i not come up until Saturday evening so You can do all the things You want to do? i can go home after the race. Feel like i'm encroaching on Your things. i just need a place to stay the night before so i don't have to drive up so early race day.

He responds, "No, keep to the plan and you aren't. I NEED you."

I continued up. Enroute, we talk. i explained how i felt about these changes and how it feels rude to make plans for me to come up and then make new plans that don't include me. He has changed plans with Swimmer Guy; canceled dinner that night and will just have tomorrow's plans. i still sting about His initial decision and feel disregarded.

That night, Maximus gets a text and reads it aloud, like He often does. It's from Swimmer Guy saying, Hey, if your business dinner gets over early come over, even if it's late.

Business Dinner?? Maximus has made an excuse that He can't go because of a last minute business dinner. i'm reeling. He can't tell His best friend the truth, can't tell him about me? We've been together six months, i've met Swimmer Guy eight months ago, we're serious, and He can't tell him about me? i let it go, it's not worth arguing about. my heart hurts, though.

Soonafter, Maximus tells me He has been invited to Ms. W's up on the mountain. She is now in the middle of her divorce and He at the end of His. Their exes are not amicable with either of them and things are really quite contentious. i can't believe He's considering going up there, to a town with 100 people, in JB's backyard, flaunting Himself, risking destroying any agreement they have and risking her opening up new disputes out of anger--she's already gone postal as it is. He asks my opionion and i share that i think it's foolish. i am shocked that this is coming up again, that He's willing to risk the finality of His divorce for this. i let it go, it's not worth arguing about. my head and heart hurt.

Upstairs, i find my boudoir portfolio upside down. Upside Down, the pictures are displayed upside down. This is a man who get OCD about couch pillows...He wouldn't miss an upside down picture. It appears to be put on the nightstand in a hurry for my arrival, not noticed it was upside down. i can't NOT say something about this. He says it must be from dusting and then argues that He prefers it upside down...which is it? Dusting or preference? This doesn't make any sense to me. i let it go, my soul is aching.

We spent time together and had a good time despite the nagging things from the first night. i put them away, not worth the fight.

Until....

We'd finished playing an intense scene with our friends Mountain Man and Sunflower, where i was tied, blindfolded, headphones playing music, for hours. It took some time to get me back to reality and we were down in the kitchen visiting and sipping wine when i got a phone call that my grandmother had died. Awful.

Maximus kept asking me what i wanted Him to do, over and over. i don't know what i want Him to do. i don't know. i don't know! i don't know what i want me to do. i want Him to just hold me and tell me it'll be ok. He wants me to tell Him if He should cancel His work trip to California. i don't know! i can't make that decision for Him, i don't know His work rules. i tell Him that over and over and i'm getting more and more frustrated. i can't get Him to understand that i just want Him to do what He wants to do to support me. i won't tell Him what to do about work. If He wants to cancel His trip and be with me, great. If He can't, great. You tell me what you can do. i can't make that decision for You and certainly not right now, five minutes after the phone call.

Mountain Man and Sunflower get ready to leave and mention LeLe's upcoming party. Maximus told me He wasn't going as He wouldn't be getting back from California until late, late that night. Mountain Man and Sunflower tell Maximus how excited they are to hear from LeLe that He's coming to the party. Wow.

All i want to do is leave. Get out of there. Now. i start picking up toys. Mountain Man and Sunflower have left and i tell Maximus i'm leaving as soon as i'm packed.

i feel like a ghost!

Maximus wanted to tell His family and friends about me in November, before His divorce mediation and i insisted that was not a good idea as it could interfere with the process and make things very horrible. i suggested we wait until the divorce was final.

In December, they agreed to the terms of the divorce and signed paperwork, or what i thought was divorce paperwork. i asked, "So now you just have to wait the 90 day waiting period and it's final?"

"No," He replied, "no waiting period necessary as the process took longer than the 90 days from date of separation and involved the court system."

So i think His divorce is final. i find out later i'm wrong. i think He is waiting to share His news about me to His friends and family until the holidays are done, as not to take away from that. Then, i think we are waiting until after the birth of His grandson in February as not to take away from the birth. But then i learn, after that, that His divorce is NOT final...that JB still has not signed the final documents--they only signed that they agreed on the terms of the mediation. She's refused to sign the divorce documents. i feel duped. i feel deceived. i feel like i've been led on.

i can't take any more. i am destroyed. i am frustrated. i am ANGRY.

i don't feel i've been told the truth. i feel like i'm a convenience. i feel foolish. i've been thinking He was excited about me, wanted to share about me as i have done with Him. He insists it's only days away from being signed, that i'm overreacting and we've agreed. But here are the problems i have:

• i feel i was made to believe the divorce papers had been signed.
• i thought we were waiting on holidays and events to pass and then i found out different
• He has insisted that He's not sharing about me because He doesn't want to mess up the final paperwork yet He will gladly go to Ms. W's and flaunt themselves in the same small town as JB and Covert Ops, which has way more risk of damaging the process than i ever would have.
• He insists it's days away, so what's the big deal in sharing about me to Swimmer Guy on his two day visit before He returns home to Europe? He lied about me to him. He couldn't even say He had someone staying with Him.
• He was ambiguous to His brother when He talked to Him about supporting "a friend" at a race during the event. His brother has been trying to get Him to date, even suggesting online dating services. 

We argue all night. i drive home in the morning exhausted. After a huge battle, He cancels His work trip and comes down the next evening and stays until the day after the funeral.

We argue again the night before He leaves. We are not communicating well at all. When He leaves, He can hardly even wait for my mother and me to exit the garage to back out and drive away. i'm horribly embarrassed and my mom's reaction to that. i want to die right there on the driveway.

He calls that evening to share His epiphany, that He never wants anyone to yell at Him ever again. i'm so irritated because He presents it as an ultimatim, that He's got no responsibility in frustrating me to the point of anger and not letting me take a break when i need it to avoid yelling.

We make it through the conversation with some breaks. At the end, He tells me He feels great about us and asks how i feel. i feel like i'm on unsteady feet. i don't really feel great.

He also lets me know that He's got two playdates set up now. One with Ms. W and she's staying the night and another with LeLe, who is going to a divorce as well. And then He goes to bed.

i laid in bed and realized that i felt hurt that He ran home so quickly and set up play- and overnight fuck dates. i think that's insensitive. i texted Him that i feel uncomfortable about that and think the timing's bad. i text but don't hear back as He's asleep now.

i drove to work in the morning, didn't hear from Him at all. On the drive i felt huge waves of anxiety, a weight on me. i can't take this anymore. i decided i needed to leave Maximus, that His refusal to share me in His whole life is unacceptable to me, that His insistence about needing to be divorced to do that, despite His willingness to flaunt His relationship with Ms. W in front of His ex-wife is in complete opposition. He can flaunt her and risk His divorce, but not share me with His family and friends which has no risk of damaging his divorce. 

He texted good morning and that He just saw my texts. Didn't say anything about the content, just that He missed them during the night. i had to ask if He'd even read the content. And then i advised Him i was done, that if He was going to hold me to needing Him to be divorced to be shared in His life, then i could no longer be in a relationship with Him. It was wholly inappropriate for that rule to be applied so unilaterally, that it was ok to have a relationship and not be divorced, but not to share about me. i feel illegitimate.

And He let me go. No fight. So we're done.

i need someone who cannot contain their joy about our relationship, that can't wait to share about it to friends and family, to include me in their life FULLY. i've done that for Maximus. i need that. i've asked for that. Sharing about me to His friend and family at this point has no risk to damage His divorce.

Instead He's fucking Ms. W, which has all the sense of placing an open candle on a stack of dry straw. It's not that He's fucking Ms. W that angers me, but that He cannot see how that behavior risks everything, that it risks His divorce, which pisses off His ex and prolongs this divorce and prevents it from being over so i can be part of His life fully. He cannot see how that flies in my face, that He's applying rules differently. It's perfectly acceptable to risk His divorce by flaunting her, a huge risk, but not to share me privately with close friends and family who only want Him to be happy and would never tell JB that He has a relationship--i find that asinine. He refuses to see how He's breaking my heart and soul by lying about me, hiding me. It's acceptable to Him to lose me and this relationship that He said was the love of His life.


  

i Love Your Guts

The past few months have been a bit rough for me. The night before New Year's Eve, when Maximus was on His way down for our Christmas and New Year's, i got a call that my grandmother was severely ill and needed to come immediately because she wasn't expected to make it through the night. i quickly changed my clothes, took dinner out of the oven, and got everything ready to head north with Maximus as soon as He arrived, which was slated to be in minutes. Just as He arrived in the driveway, however, i got another call to stand down, that she was going to be ok and to go ahead with our holiday plans. Gah! She's not progressed well, however, and three weeks ago we put her in hospice care at the assisted living facility she lives in. It's been a roller coaster of better and worse days, but mostly a waiting game for her to let go.

i'd not been able to see Grandma for several weeks because of my illness, and was finally able to this past weekend. She's not really communicative, hasn't eaten for weeks, mostly sleeps other than a few hours where she sits with her eyes open but they are glassy, and we're not really sure if she's registering anything. The second day i was there, she was awake when my mom and i arrived in the morning, finding her partway out of her bed. We helped her back into bed, told her how bright her eyes looked this morning (which they did, different than the day before), and when i turned to pick up a washcloth to wash her face i heard her say, "I'm dying." This surprised me as earlier in the month she was very resistant to that eventuality. i sat on her bed next to her and she continued, "I'm dying and I want you to know I love you very, very much." This so startled me that she was talking so clearly and accepting of what was happening that my eyes instantly welled up and tears ran down my face. She kissed me and said, "Don't cry, don't let it bother you when I die." i told her that i loved her too and that she just surprised me. i assured her that i wouldn't let it bother me and not to let it bother her about dying. We reassured her that it was ok to go, that we would always love her. She sat quietly after that and eventually went to sleep.

i went home that afternoon thinking that she would probably pass away that night or the next day. Besides finally appearing at peace with dying and saying goodbyes, she was displaying other signs of the final stages, according to the hospice nurse, such as a very good day of consciousness, a fever, and picking at her bedclothes. i felt good that we'd said our goodbyes and was hopeful that she could go and finally be at peace.

But that did not happen. She's still lingering on and i have been so torn about it. i so want her to be able to go and i find myself disappointed that she didn't. i feel badly for my mom who has been caring for her and at her side for the last two months. i feel badly that i wasn't able to help due to my illness. i was ready and she seemed ready and i don't know what's holding her back.

During these past several days, Maximus has been traveling for work and is in Cincinnati. This trip has been very important and i've not wanted to interrupt Him. i also didn't want to text Him with trivial things as i knew that getting a text during His meeting would startle Him into thinking grandma had passed away or i was upset and would be a huge distraction for Him. i let Him communicate with me and i responded, rather than our typical pattern of communication which is texting each other at any passing thought. It wasn't that i didn't want to talk to Him, i did.

During the couple of times we talked on the phone late in the evening (His late, being three hours ahead due to the time difference on the east coast), our conversations consisted of Him being very excited and animated about His trip, the travel, goings on in the bar and flirting with girls there, and His meeting. i let Him talk, i didn't share with Him how i was feeling and what was going on, and as my submissive self, didn't feel right in interjecting about what was happening here. i desperately wanted Him to ask me about what was happening and i wanted it to come from Him, not be steered by me. Unfortunately, it meant that He went on and on about all His stuff and i just didn't have the capacity to deal with it. We'd have ten to fifteen minutes of texting or talk about His stuff before He asked how i was doing and by that time i was just so exhausted by it that i couldn't talk about it at all. i felt my stuff was a huge let-down after all His excitement. i wanted His stuff to cheer me up and ending our conversation with my stuff didn't allow that. All i wanted to do was to get off the phone. And that didn't go well as i was emotional, frustrated, and He didn't understand and wanted to hear was what happening, not wanting to let me go.

The last night of His trip was the worst conversation. Our phone call followed the same pattern and during His talking He mentioned that members of His team were texting Him wondering where He was and that they were waiting for Him in the bar--i told Him to go. He didn't want to, He'd waited all day to hear my voice and get an update. This got very frustrating for me and i ended up raising my voice, insisting over and over to go to the bar, that i didn't do anything significant that day to tell Him about (i really hadn't, i had no energy and wandered around my house) and just wanted to get off the phone. i desperately wanted off the phone and absolutely did NOT want to hang up on Him, but i was at my emotional limit. He finally relented out of frustration and we said goodbye and hung up.

i didn't feel He was being sensitive to what i needed. i texted how i felt and He replied that He was trying to be sensitive but had not been able to convey that. i let Him know that i didn't have the capacity to hear for ten minutes how cool everything was there, that i wasn't angry, just didn't have the emotional capacity for it. i let Him know that i needed to get out of the conversation and didn't want to hang up on Him, apologized for raising my voice. He said He understood.

Hours later, i hadn't gotten a goodnight text from Him, like He always does. i texted Him, asking if we could talk. i was prepared to talk about what i needed. There was no reply so i called His room to leave a message, thinking He was still at the bar and didn't hear His phone. He answered. i was taken aback, realizing that He'd gone to bed without saying goodnight.

He didn't know what to do, didn't know whether to text goodnight or not, not sure if reaching out to me was ok or not. i shared that it hurt to not hear goodnight from Him, that we would not have done that if we were physically together. He agreed. i then shared what i needed from Him, how i needed to be selfish right now and talk about me first, have Him ask about me and what's going on, not hear for ten minutes how cool everything is there. i needed His stories to cheer me up after i share what's going on and how i'm feeling here.

He felt horrible because He'd ignored His gut feelings. His gut was telling Him that i was not doing ok but when He asked me at the very start of every conversation, "How are you doing?" and i answered, "i'm okay...", He ignored His gut and "took the wrong easy way" and continued self-absorbed in His conversation about Himself. "It was so wrong and I'm so sorry I did that," He continued. i explained that "okay..." was not great or super or wonderful, which are my normal responses to Him when He asks how i am. Okay means i'm just hanging on. Being on the other side of the country is tearing Him up when i'm struggling here. He's experiencing a level of empathy He's not felt before for anyone.

He related His gut feelings about how i was doing to a time He was swimming along the coastline in Hawaii. While swimming, He got an uneasy gut feeling that He needed to get out of the water--there wasn't anything that He saw that explained that feeling, it was just an overwhelming sense that He needed to get out of the water. When He walked out onto the beach, a lifeguard approached Him and told Him how glad they were that He got out of the water as several tiger sharks were following Him and they were trying to figure out how to get Him out of the water and away from them before they attacked. Had He ignored His gut, He might have been attacked and maybe killed.

He was disappointed that He'd ignored His gut this time and it was no less as dangerous. He apologized and i accepted His apology. And i promised to not let my submissive nature and desire to serve everyone get in the way of communicating what i really need. We also promised to never, ever go to sleep without saying goodnight. He ended our talk by telling me how important this conversation was--this was a first for Maximus, Him acknowledging how important a difficult discussion was. This alone made me love His guts even more.

Venus in Fur

Awesome A and i had been trying to get together to go to a play for months and unfortunately, i have had to cancel each one of the outings we'd planned for one reason or another. We had already rescheduled our night out, months ago, to the Saturday after we'd gotten together from my flight home. As it turned out, it was for an edgy play, Venus in Fur.

We ended up meeting at Spartacus, a great adult sex shop in Portland, as Awesome A texted that she probably needed to pick up some lube for her after-play date with her new BF, RichE, and that the shop was right across the street from the bar we were going to meet at. i texted Maximus, asking if there was anything He wished me to pick up and He requested either a giant butt plug or any apparatus for stretching/holding the ass open. i ended up getting a giant tunnel butt plug that accomodated both requests--He was very pleased.

During our happy hour, Awesome A got a text from RichE that he was out for a beer with a buddy and that afterward he was going home to bed, too beat to have her come over after the play. Wow--she was puzzled by this and asked me what i thought about it, was he not into her? Well, i navigated carefully on this one and said that most guys would never turn down a sure thing, which this was. So, this set up an opportunity for us to play again...and i carefully started making the moves to facilitate that...

We walked to the play after our drinks. This play is about a playwright who writes a play about Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's 1870 novel, Venus in Furs, that describes a dominant-female, submissive-male, Master-slave relationship. In fact, the word masochism comes from his name after this book was published. In the play, Vanda, an actress, arrives hours and hours late to audition for the leading role as Vanda von Dunajew. She ends up convincing the playwright to let her read for the part, insisting that he read the lines of Severin von Kusiemski in character. She even has a bag of costumes for both of them, changes on stage to put the Victorian dress over her black bra, panties, garter, stockings, and black stiletto heels! Their reading becomes very intense and they end up personifying their roles, Vanda dominating Thomas, the playwright, through twists and turns.

Venus in Fur is awesome! It was so good that had it started again after it finished, we would have stayed and seen it again right then! It's 90 minutes and so intense there is no intermission--there would be no way to restore the momentum had the play been interrupted for a break. Vanda arrives in a short black raincoat with a short black leather skirt and black corset underneath but changes between that and the Victorian dress and her undergarments over and over throughout the play. At the beginning of the reading she puts on a black leather collar and the rings clanked together the whole time, driving me mad thinking about how my collar makes that sound when Maximus fucks me. The D/s component of this play was just so erotic for me.

We returned to the bar after the play. Before we left the theatre, as we were walking into the bathroom, Awesome A said loudly, despite the crowd of women accompanying us into the bathroom, "I have a naughty thought!" She said she'd share it with me when we were done in the bathroom. When we arrived at the bar, she divulged her thought, which was "What do you think Maximus would say if I texted Him and asked what I should do to you?" i simply handed her my phone which was already ringing through to Maximus!!!

Awesome A stepped outside the bar to talk to Him because it was too loud to talk inside. She stood outside the glass opposite me while she talked to Him, giving me sexy eyes and driving me crazy! It was still too loud outside so she came inside and started texting Maximus instead. At first, i was not allowed to read the texts, but after getting handsy with her and several drinks in, she relented! Here is the transcript of the texts; Awesome A is orange, Maximus is light blue, and i am white.

It's Awesome A! I said we r out for drinks and I told gabriella that...not that it would happen, but wouldn't it be fun if she came to my place and you could tell us what you'd like us to do togther? :) xoxo

Let me think about that. Humm. OK!!!!

So what would you want us to do?

I'm so shy and not very experienced.

Bull shit!

You aren't buying my story? hehe

Nope. I've heard stories.

Ok. Here you go. High heels, short black dresses, nothing underneath because it's after 6pm, a nice Cabernet wine and you start salsa dancing. You dance with a glass of wine in your hand. This will be hard not to spill but you continue.

Short enough? Awesome A

Oops... I splashed wine on gabriella's breast. Will need to lap that up!

Now put the glasses down and salsa again and each of you pull down the others top down exposing each others breasts. No touching this area yet. Keep dancing.

Yum

Each of you want to touch but can't. Not yet. That's a good start. No underwear correct?

Did gabriella tell you about the clotheshanger nippes? I think they feel like gumdrops/ Yum! No underwear or bra...

Of course she did. She loved them. Full and perfect. No touching them yet.

I'm hungry!

You need to dance until you are both breathing heavy and sweaty. You both want to touch but you can't. Not yet. Food or for gabriella? Hehe.

Both but mostly gabriella.

Of course, she is a fox. Now that you are both sweaty you each take the others dress off but keep your heels on. You need to keep them on. You so want to touch but you can't. Not yet.

Tease!!

Of course. You need to be very very wet. You aren't there yet.

I see the beads of sweat between her breasts and want to drink them in like sacred nectar of the mountains!

Now you are both naked in heels looking at each others amazing bodies, so wanting but waiting. The music now changes to a slow dance and you both draw each other close very close. You can't drink the perfect nectar yet. Draw each other closer and closer so close you almost can hear the others' heart racing with excitement.

Start your engines!

Now you start to kiss. Two perfect sets of lips engaged

We r going to do tequila shots. Should we do body shots?

You kiss and kiss feeling your bodies close. Yes. On your upper left thigh.

She has such petit quivering lips. So much more gentle than a mans.

Very much so. Very tender.

Sugar, this is gabriella, can you get us a room at the Marriott?

After kissing you slowly work your way down her neck kissing wet kisses. Sure. Which one?

Either one. We'll make it worth your while.

On it

Awesome A says no pics or video but speakerphone and you can direct.

OK. Portland downtown Waterfront Marriott. One click away.

Love it thank u!

Done. Will send you the confirmation number. Do you squirt? If not you will. It's intense.

I do have intense organsms & wet the bed but I've not seen it as a squirt.

You are in for an adventure then

Ok. bring it! :)

Ok hold. Issue with website. Give me a min.

It's ok. We are having snacks and flirtatious foreplay so u have time.

How wet are you right now?

Not so much wet as body energized. We r in public so cautious so get a room and let's see what happens

Understand. Reservation done. It's under my name. Are you at the hotel already?

We r eating. not each other.

Ok. It's under my name but I added gabriella's name.

OK.

Back to my story. As you are still slow dancing your hand moves slowly down to her very very wet pussy. Finger her deep and fast working the g spot and she will cum very quickly and gush. It's heaven.

Blah blah blah dance dance dance whatever. I just want to eat her pussy.

You ask what you wanted me to have you do. Hehe.

Owie

You do get to sit on her face.

Both of us? She is yummy!

You sit on her first. She will later. Don't forget to keep the heels on.

Sugar, this is gabriella, i adore you.

Heels on and squat on her face after she does that to you.

Ok! We r on d way to d love palace. Oops, gabriella forgot butt plug in restaurant and had to go back.

Too funny. Use it on her.

Have bag of tricks, heading to hotel.

Nice.

Heading to hotel.

K.

At hotel. There are pilots in valet. Checking in then drinks and dessert to room.

Nice.

We can go in and out as many times as we like.

Just poured a nice glass of Blantons. Funny. A definite double meaning statement. Hehe

Sugar, this is gabriella. So much fun! Down to bar to get drinks and dessert to bring up and then will speakerphone you for directions. Are you hard?

Very. Working on number three with Rosie as we speak. So want to fuck her while you eat her pussy. Three done. That makes 5 for today.

We made friends! Wow!

Nice friend, party on! Yummy

Maximus then texted asking what bank account to transfer funds into for us to use to pay for the room. It made us laugh and started a conversation from a Russian bride...

My name are Katrina and I're love big man American. Do send check please to banking account to Siberia.

Nice. Do you have all your teetch?

No. Better blow job for you I do without teethes.

Excellent. 590 rubles.

I be you're bride.

Extra 10 for that.

10 donkeys, family so proud. I have ass good.

Good. Love ass and give it good.

Asses mine be strong and hard and hairy. Braided beauty.

Perfect, just what we like.

We r @ Marriott bar getting tequila for body shots in room. Ok man?

Yes. You should order extra towels. Going to be a wet night.

We ran into a great group of women in the elevator...they wouldn't share any VooDoo Donuts with us though, no matter how hard we flirted and tried. We did get a pic though!

In room with tequila and chocolate.

Two hot women plus tequila and chocolate. Priceless.

Call will occur

Awesome A dug her finger into the chocolate pots de creme we'd brought up from the bar and smeared it across my cheek and lips--we both licked it off me and then kissed. She then took a chunk of brownie from the chocolate trifle, held it between her teeth, and fed me half of it from her mouth. Oh my god! It was so hot!

We got Maximus on speakerphone.

He instructed us to salsa dance. We did, stumbling in lust and alcohol. Awesome A protested to Maximus, telling Him it made her flash badly to her boyscout ex. He switched us to a slow dance, which was much better and allowed us to kiss and fondle each other.

Maximus then instructed us to remove our tops and bras to suck on each others nipples. We complied. He asked if Awesome A was wet yet and we convinced Him to let us take the rest of our clothes off each other to find out. We were required to leave our heels on. Maximus instructed Awesome A to check my pussy with her fingers and then lay me back onto the bed, put her fingers into my g-spot and finger fuck me hard to get me to squirt. It felt wonderful, but she was afraid to do it too hard for fear of hurting me, despite our assurances that it wouldn't, so i didn't squirt.

The rest of the evening is kind of a blur as to instructions. Maximus had a loud orgasm at this point and we took over the course of the events, but Awesome A narrated explicitly, loudly, to Maximus, and it was insanely hot!"Oh my GOD, she's licking my clit! She's so HOT, so FUCKING HOT! Oh she's going to make me cum, she's liking my clit SO GOOD! She's SO BEAUTIFUL!" for example!

Maximus instructed her to finger fuck my ass and she did it immediately, without hesitation. I then put on the strap-on and fucked her over and over and over. Maximus came four more times!

Finally it got late, well extremely late. Maximus needed to get to bed and was spent from an 8 orgasm day! We too, had separate plans for the morning. We crawled into bed and started to snuggle up, cooing about the evening's events. As last time, she asked if she could use the wand to pleasure herself. i brought her the wand and began to finger fuck her pussy while she used the wand on her clit. i put in another finger, then another, and another, until i was fisting her, which she loved! i reached down and finger fucked her ass at the same time, DP'ing her with my hands. She came huge. We fell asleep with her right tit in my mouth!

Talk about a great night! And here's evidence of it!

Heavenly!

We got cleaned up and headed out for our separate days. i checked in with Maximus and we talked for hours as i drove home and then to my family event. We are both enjoying this adventure with Awesome A. i'm sure there will be more! Stay tuned!

A Surprise Finish!

Now, i'm sure it seems that all Maximus and i did was talk, talk, talk all Valentine's weekend, but that was definitely NOT the case! We had some amazing play with new toys and i finished it off with some amazing play with a new friend (well, not a new friend, but a new kinky twist to a great friend)!

The weekend before, Maximus had texted a fantasy about wanting to fuck my ass with a baseball bat. This was exciting to me because i had seen a video on one of our swingers sites that someone posted of fucking their wife with a baseball bat and i'd thought it was hot! i'd never told Him about it, though, and had actually forgotten all about it until His text. We sexted back and forth about it and then i remembered i had a mini Louisville slugger!

Maximus was running errands, getting ready for a business trip and for our Valentine's weekend. Not to be outdone...i received this pic later...

When we went to bed our first night, after exchanging Valentine's gifts and Maximus' scene play, we started to make love and i realized that the scene hadn't included the bat. i giggled about that to Maximus and He went to the closet and got the slugger. Maximus lubed it up and eased it into my pussy...WOW, talk about filling! He fucked me with the bat and then pushed His cock in as well, fucking me missionary style on top of the bat. It was amazing to be DVP'd by the bat and Maximus! The next day, though, Maximus noticed while i was playing with His cock that He'd gotten a little rubbed on the underside of His cock shaft from the bat. "Spring Training injury, sugar!" i exclaimed, "high five!"

The bed at the house we rented in the San Juan Islands had a wonderful metal scroll-work head- and footboard. Maximus had enormous fun developing scenes to use that bed and finally used His new GoPro camera for the first time, which He'd purchased at Christmas specifically for filming our play. What is hilarious, is that my childhood bed, which is now in my guest room, is cast iron scrollwork head- and footboard and neither of us have ever thought of using it for scenes before now! Different than my metal bed, however, this bed had knobs on all four corners...which made for some fun play!

Maximus collared me, blindfolded me, and laid me on my back on the bed. He put cuffs on my wrists and ankles. my hands were restrained above my head on the headboard, my legs opened wide and brought up to the headboard where they were restrained outside of my hands, exposing my pussy and ass. Clamps pinched my nipples and the wand vibrator was placed, on high, on my clit. Maximus made me squirt over and over, pounding my g-spot with His fingers and then toys. Eventuallly He took the long flexible double-ended dildo i affectionately call, The Mom, bent it in half, and DVP'd me with it! He captured it all on film, but i've not yet seen it. It was wonderful!

Maximus used this bed frame many, many times during our stay, in many configurations. It was fantastic! During one play session, Maximus took clothespins and clipped my labia together from the top of my mons down, effectively closing my pussy lips over my clit, but left just enough space open that He could slide His cock through and into my pussy. It was incredible for us both as it pulled on my lips and made my pussy opening very tight around His cock.

One of my favorite scenes included the wand shoved into my pussy and into my g spot on high vibration, The Mom in my ass, and Maximus licking my clit. He would bring me to the edge of orgasm and then stop...then start up again....and then stop...over and over until i had a screaming orgasm. i told Him He could charge $1,000 for that and make a fortune with women! One of my top orgasms ever!

The last night, i got a text from a non-play girlfriend, Awesome A. She is a great friend that i've known for a couple of years; we share a common interest in athletic events and met racing. Like with all of my vanilla friends, i've never divulged anything about my lifestyle, but over the past few months, and during the last couple of weeks in particular, i've gotten the feeling that she'd figured things out, due to the questions she'd been asking and topics of conversation she's brought up. Here is the transcript of our texting, her texts are white, mine are orange:

I'm at a sex toy party. Should I get u something? ;)

Ummm...considering my checked bag on the train to Seattle for San Juan Islands trip weighed 49 lbs. (max 50 lbs) due to ummm....toys....i'm ok! But thanks so much!!

Oh baby, I love you! When r u back home? Want to see the last night of the 50 shades musical parody with me sun night?

Oh hell yes! But i have dinner with a friend who's picking me up at the train station.

When r u done? I think the show is @ 8.

i don't get into town until almost 9. i wanted to see that show SOOOOOOOO bad and couldn't find anyone to go. Maybe it will encore and we can go together.

Doors 7, show 8. Just remember I'm your gal for edgy stuff! I don't judge. I'm just spicy fun! I bought 4 tix and serendipity will fill them up!

FUCK! i'm beyond edgy!

Girl, you just got your edgy SCRATCHED. We are going to have to share edgy talk over drinks. You bring your edgy 'cause I've got mine. Game on baby!

Darlin...game on. We need drinks SOON.

So just fuck it. Fly back, I'll frequent flyer you because I know you want to see the show. Where is your booty call central right now? Spokane? And btw, I met a guy and am having porn star sex! Not sure I'm ready for that shift! It's just good to know that hard penises are not extinct!

Ummmm...we need to talk!! Porn star sex is my specialty!

OMG. What time were you scheduled to leave where tomorrow?

i'm leaving Seattle by train at 5:30. Can't cancel pickup plans with lesbian chick...ummm

Too bad. I'd just frequent flyer you here. Can I do that and the 3 of us go to the show?

Lemme see when i could get off the island by ferry to Seattle and let you know.

Ok, cool. I can play your mostly straight but bi curious friend so she'll be interested but not jealous.

i'm being very vulnerable right now and have a very intimate question. Are you straight or bi-curious? If you're uncomfortable it's fine. You can pass on the question.

For you, I tell the truth. I am into dating guys and that will be my next relationship but I have definitely been with women. And like it. Haven't said that to many people but I trust you. Why do you ask?

Because i'm bi, not lots of people know that. And trust me my edgy is edgy.

Sweet!

Ok...Maximus and i are figuring my trip out tomorrow night. What could be the plan with frequently flyer flight from Seattle?

I'll look.

And Maximus knows all and participates in much...

I love it. I feel like my world just expanded. :)

Girl...i will show you the world.

I am so LOL right now! I think you finally kicked my head out of that boyscout ex of mine. I've been missing the world! It's like I am waking up to the dream I once lived!

i knew he was a boyscout. i thought you'd picked up on my secret and glad you did. Maximus and i have been talking about it for some time now.

When do u want to cum? U can depart 4:00 and arrive 4:47...Would that work? You've been talking about it specific to me or in general?

That would be purrfect and we've talked about YOU specifically.

Oh, I am honored! 

i then sent this pic of many, not all, of the toys i'd brought with me to our weekend:

 This isn't all...i'll hopefully get through TSA...

 OMFG girl!!! Sounds like a play date to me!

OMFG! Very cool!

R u & Maximus celebrating?

We celebrate many times a day. Yes...we are celebrating now too! Actually, watching a movie...we've celebrated a lot today already!

:) ok so I'm open to chatting with u about this. Really interested to learn more about u. Not sure how far I go with it all but I'm intrigued and excited to hear this about you! Yay! You're so cool!

At this point, i got an email confirmation for my flight...which was not booked with frequent flyer miles (she could not use miles for this purchase apparently) and was extremely expensive!

Holy crap, just read email!

LOL! Well we are all worth pampering regardless, aren't we?

Well i will make it worth your while! This is really cool! And, um, i will never wear a suit in your hot tub again! Was the first time in years i have!

You know what? I'm sure of it. Even if we just explore this conceptually as a first step, that's still hot. Deal on the hot tub! Then I'm inviting you back! I've got to sign off for now :)

Then she sent boudoir pics from a calendar she'd made years ago. Very sexy and provocative!

i canceled my plans to be picked up from the train station, rescheduled that dinner for another night.

Maximus and i then went into a packing frenzy! He was so energized by these new arrangements, a new play interest for me, especially considering we'd already been talking about Awesome A. Maximus wanted to get everything organized that night, clean up the house, pack, figure out travel plans, etc. my main concern was getting all the sex toys home. i had brought everything we have in my largest suitcase, which meant i was going to have to check my bag, and this made me worry that we'd lose stuff through TSA. And, the bag was extremely heavy and would cost a fortune. Suddenly, Maximus realized i was just going to be gone for ten days before driving back up, and that i could leave the bulk of my things with Him and just take what i needed for my date with Awesome A and for the 10 days i'd be gone--brilliant! We dumped all my things and tossed what i didn't need back into my huge suitcase; the rest i shoved into my backpack--voila!

The next morning i dressed again in my sexy black and white rose dress i wore on the way up, minus the butt plug and Benwah balls, and sans panties. We had lunch in Seattle and then Maximus dropped me off at the airport with a deep, passionate kiss and giggle, sending me off to my sexy booty call!

i made it through security and went to a bar for a drink and pondered about what a great life i have! Here i was, at the end of a fantastic weekend with my Dom, at the airport with my double Grey Goose on the rocks with a twist, waiting for my flight that a girlfriend arranged to bring me to her for sexual exploration! Wow!

Awesome A was waiting for me at the airport when i arrived. We embraced and giggled then jumped in her car to go to dinner before our show. i couldn't stand it anymore and asked how she'd figured me out--and she said she hadn't, she just loved my vibe and thought i was someone who was open and would be fun to go do edgy things with! i asked her what her expectations were, her experience, etc. Turns out, she's very kinky! Not only had she been with women, but been with several, including several at the Pole Dance Competition in Amsterdam where she danced on stage! Her story was amazing, and hot! She'd not been involved with kinky lifestyle for years and after now breaking off a relationship with an extremely conservative vanilla man, she was ready to rediscover her edgy side.

i shared my story and kinks with her and then we went to a great bar in Portland, Hamburger Mary's, for dinner, drinks, and bingo moderated by drag queens! We talked non-stop, flirted with each other and others, texted, sexted, took pics, and just had a ball...like we've always had...this time with much more edge and sexual tension. At one point, the Mistress in Ceremonies asked if anyone needed to be whipped and of course, Awesome A enthusiastically volunteered me!

From there, we headed to the Aladdin Theater to see Spank! The Fifty Shades Parody. Hilarious! We met another friend and her new boyfriend. Awesome A asked to sit on the aisle side next to me, which i didn't really think to wonder why. But as soon as the lights dimmed, her hands were all over me...she wanted to be where she could grope me outside of eyeshot of our friends. It was driving me absolutely crazy! All i wanted to do was to turn to her, grab her face and start making out with her!

At intermission, i told her we needed to go up to the restrooms...my plan was to pull her into the stall and finger her, but there was a huge line of people waiting for one of three stalls, so that wasn't going to work. So instead, i pulled her into the shadows next to the film booth on the balcony, and kissed her passionately! Soooo hot! Her hands played with me all during the second half.

We got in the car and headed to my place. i opened a bottle of wine and we went into my bedroom. She changed into a powder blue lace slip nightie and i changed in to my new black one that Maximus had just given me for Valentine's. i put on the Pussycat Dolls playlist from Pandora and pulled her to me. We kissed. Heaven! We explored each others bodies with our hands and then mouths. Finally i pulled her down on the bed and brought my tongue to her clit....ah!

We spent the next couple of hours playing with each other. It started tamely, tongues, lips, fingers, and then we moved to toys. First came the wand, which she absolutely adored. i laid on top of her and we ground the vibrating bulb into our clits and came all over each other. Then out came The Mom and i fucked her with that using my hand and then slipped the other end inside my pussy as well. Her orgasms were beautiful! The strap-on was next...me fucking her with the double-ended dildo and more orgasms. We penetrated mouths, pussies, asses. As we laid in bliss murmuring about our evening, she asked if she could use the wand once more, that she adored it...and pleasured herself while i sucked on her gorgeous gumdrop nipples. We slept in each others arms.

In the morning, as we got ready for our day, she talked about how great of a night it was and how great it was to be edgy again. She wasn't sure how she was going to proceed from this point, however, as it was new again and didn't want to hurt my feelings. i explained to her again, as i had the night before, that i went into this without expectations and we would proceed at a pace she was comfortable with. For at the crux of this, we are friends, great friends, and will continue to be, no matter how the friendship continues.

i called Maximus on my way to work and filled Him in on all the steamy details. He was ecstatic! We talked about the possibilities, without expectations of Awesome A, but excited about what the future could hold.

What an amazing weekend!

"A" Game, Opacity, Bat Shit Crazy

Something that came up during our conversation at our Valentine's dinner after i got off the train was the amount of, or lack thereof, of separate play over the last couple of months. As fate would have it, a few days before coming up, i had three men, who i've played with before, contact me to get together and had made arrangements to meet after i returned from our VD weekend. i told Maximus about each one of these as they came in, so it was no surprise to Him, and He was very excited for me. It'd been at least a month since i'd had any separate play, due to illness.

This sudden in-rush of playmates started me thinking about Maximus' play and how it has dropped off. Not only has He not been playing, i'd noticed that He'd not even been online to any of His/our swinger sites. i was concerned that my previous jealousy issue, which had been due to a misunderstanding and later dealt with, had carried over and was making Him fearful of playing separately. And it wasn't that He'd not gotten offers, Big E had contacted Him several times to entertain little e and Maximus had declined. This was not like Maximus at all.

Maximus shared that at first, He was a little gun shy about playing separately due to the episodes surrounding Ms. W, however, that wasn't keeping Him from separate play. He'd gotten extremely focused on work and it has been so gratifying that He's immersed Himself in that. As for declining play with little e...He wanted to wait until i could play with Him with her and Big E. This surprised me. "It's just so much better with you, and I want to wait to share that with you," He said. "And I don't feel wanting by not playing, I'm happy, I'm satisfied."

During our last night, laying in bed, this came up again as i had received a surprise rendezvous request from a woman friend who i didn't know was kinky (more on this in an upcoming blog post). We were discussing my incredible upcoming week of play, the amendment of the no sleeping-over rule, and the conversation naturally returned to His play. As we were talking, Maximus talked about His options, WorkoutK, LeLe, Sunflower and Mountain Man, the local swingers club, and Ms. W. He spoke about how sex with others was B Game and that, comparatively, sex with Ms. W was pedestrian. This made me wonder and i asked, "So has our journey into BDSM and ramping up our intensity changed what was once A Game sex into B Game sex?"

"That's really interesting. I hadn't thought about that, I'll have to think about it," He replied.

The next morning, while waiting for the ferry, Maximus shared that, yes, our level of intensity of play has changed what A Game sex is for Him and that it has so satisfied Him that playing separately just doesn't hold the same attraction. "I'd rather wait for A Game sex than have B Game sex," He explained. "I'm just so happy and I don't feel wanting." He continued on that looking for new playmates on the swinger sites has lost much of its appeal in that He just didn't want to invest the time and money required to woo new dates, the meetups, dinners, trying to get together, etc., for vanilla-ish, B Game sex. What He does love, however, is having me hunt, sharing that with Him, the thrill of my stories in all their detail, my excitement in finding new playmates for us.

What a switch this is. i'm not alarmed by it anymore, like i was, because i understand what He's saying and i trust that. It's beyond flattering and completely unexpected. Quite a big change for the quintessential ladies-man, swinger Maximus.

During our conversation about money, Maximus received a text message. As His mother had gone ill and His brother had been texting updates on her condition, i inquired if it was an update about His mom. He said, "No, it was someone else." This was odd, as normally Maximus is very forthcoming about His texts, and usually tells me who it was and what they said. In addition, His face and body language changed when He said it. i thought, "Oh, it must be Ms. W. and He's uncomfortable to tell me now when she texts Him." i decided it wasn't important to discuss now and i'd find another time to talk about it as i didn't want this level of awkwardness to continue, should it have been a text from her.

i brought it up during our conversation while driving home. We were reviewing our weeks again and i inquired if He was going to get together with Ms. W. for her birthday. He said He'd not heard any plans for that. i asked if she had texted Him yesterday, and He replied sheepishly, "Yes, she did, but I didn't respond."

i replied, "You know, it's ok to talk about her, You don't have to hide that she texts. i understand now what the relationship is/was. My jealousy was based upon a misconception. Give me an opportunity to show you that." i continued that i could tell that it was a text from her due to how differently He had responded to my inquiry. "Really?" He asked.

He talked about being completely transparent. And i replied, "You know, that's not transparent, that's opaque." He pondered for a moment, and replied, "You're right, that is opaque. I thought I was being transparent and it was opaque. I get that. I won't be opaque." 

We're finding our level. i know He's guarded about the subject of Ms. W because He's cautious about hurting me, about talking about her so much to show transparency that it makes me misunderstand and feel jealous. i want to have an opportunity to show Him i'm not jealous and that i understand. Opacity makes it hard to do that, as i don't get a clear picture of what's going on.

Early Valentine's Day card from Maximus

The last topic had to do with the phrase, Bat Shit Crazy and came up as we were just starting to talk about Porch Time. 

Maximus has referred to my couple of emotional blowups as going Bat Shit Crazy and i know He doesn't mean it in a derogatory way, in fact, He has made sure to point out that it is done to make light of it, but my heart sinks every time He says it. i get embarrassed. So when we started talking about porch time, he mentioned Bat Shit Crazy and again reminded me that it wasn't derogatory--i decided i needed to be honest with Him about my emotional response to that phrase and what is makes me flash to.

My last husband talked very derogatorily about His exes, wife and girlfriends. He described the progression of their relationships as normal until they suddenly went nuts, crazy, out of control for no reason. i was always extremely sensitive to this, trying not to ever go down a path that would lead him to call me crazy. And i believed him when he said he'd done nothing to potentiate this in those relationships. However, as our relationship went on, i came to understand there WAS something very wrong with his interpersonal relationships with women, that he was emotionally abusive, a verbal hostage taker, and i began to suffer from severe anxiety and anger in response. i even had an emotional explosion after a party at our home from something demeaning he'd said and ended up losing control and requested my mom take me to the emergency room to get me calmed down. This had NEVER happened before. i sought counseling and went alone as he refused to go with me. I let him convince me i had an anger problem and had my physician put me on an antidepressant and antianxiety medications in response.

It finally became apparent to me that i had a marriage problem, not an anger problem, and freed myself from that abusive relationship. i stopped my medications immediately, despite my physician advising i stay on them to "deal with" the emotions of getting divorced. i wanted to see if my theory was true, and had no problems "dealing with" my divorce process, in fact, i never felt better in my life. i had a marriage problem that led to my anger problem.

Now, in my effort to be completely honest and transparent with Maximus and share everything, i held this back from Him. i was horribly embarrassed about this, my hospital visit, losing control in angry outbursts, counseling, and being medicated. i thought it would diminish me and that He'd not want to be with someone with this history. And then i had the emotional outburst about Ms. W and worried it was a trend in relationships. i couldn't let Maximus think i had a problem. i wanted to see if i could handle this so He'd never find out.

When Maximus had mediation for His divorce from JB, He described that she had gone Bat Shit Crazy toward the mediator during the process. He came home and detailed the day and included that His attorney had counseled Him on future relationships. "Don't go out and get another Bat Shit Crazy woman and make sure she makes more than $100,000 a year," she said. "Oh my god," i reeled inside when he presented that, "thank god i at least make the cut on income. He can never find out about my response during marriage #2." i honestly felt He was telling me that to find out if i met the qualifications to be in a relationship with Him. i assured Him that i was not Bat Shit Crazy and thank god i met the income requirement.

But Bat Shit Crazy made me flash back to that every time, made me feel physically ill. i was so embarrassed about the emotional blowups i'd had with Him and wanted to be so far past those, mortified that i'd been medicated during my second marriage, and absolutely fearful that He would leave me should He ever find out this past and that i'd not been forthright to Him about it.

i divulged it all in the car. And you know, He was shocked. Of course He was shocked. Shocked at my past, shocked that i'd allowed myself to be medicated, shocked that i'd not felt comfortable to share this, and utterly horrified that i thought His sharing of what the attorney had said was His truth, His requirements. He meant it as a funny conclusion of that horrible day, not a personal prerequisite for our relationship.

We've agreed to not use Bat Shit Crazy. And i'm thankful for that. We appreciate the conflict we've had and i've proven that these were isolated incidents that occurred from being absolutely frustrated to the point of explosion. This is not our normal means of communication, we've shown that. We've learned to communicate effectively, and have avenues for discussions. While we don't plan on Taking it to the Locker Room, we know that it is a last resort when all means of communication fails, and it doesn't mean either of us is crazy, we are just at our wits end.

i do feel better that Maximus knows my whole truth. And, it gave Him an opportunity to show me that we are together GOT. He didn't run.

Money Talks

There were other very important discussions on our Valentine's weekend trip that were not related to readings from Living M/s by Dan and dawn Williams. I'm breaking these four main discussions into separate posts.

Maximus promised not to work at all during our weekend trip other than a brief scheduled phone call with the Regional VP of His company who wanted to let Him know what His 2012 bonus would be. He was true to his word and the phone call was brief, but amazing...Maximus was receiving a very large bonus. And when i say very large, i mean, nearly 40% of my yearly salary. i was shocked, needless to say, as i overhead the bonus announced through the phone. i knew Maximus made excellent money, it was obvious by His dress, His home, His travel, His hobbies, His ex-wife, but i really hadn't grasped the magnitude of it before. Maximus was very pleased with the amount, but i could tell that it was not an out-of-the-ballpark figure to Him as it was to me--not unexpected.

When i started reading 50 Shades of Grey, i thought someone had been spying on us. Seriously, it was uncanny. It was a story about a woman from Vancouver--i'm from Vancouver, who meets a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle--Maximus is a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle, and gets swept off of her feet in a torrid, kinky, sexual love affair. i literally dropped the book. My response to my mom when i returned home from my first trip to stay with Maximus was, "i'm so out of my league." He'd spoiled me rotten with dinners, dancing, riding comfortably in His luxury car and then sent me home with a $100 bottle of wine He'd purchased at a wine tasting...one of half a dozen bottles He'd procured that day.

He wears $200 jeans for grubbies. He asked me to go with Him to pick out things i needed in His kitchen for when i cooked there and we went to Sur la Table with valet parking; He walked confidently to the clerk and instructed her to assist me in picking out whatever i wanted/needed, and waited, leaning nonchalantly against the counter, in Pretty Woman fashion, as she gleefully picked out expensive items i'd only ogled at before. He didn't blink an eye at the expense and even mentioned what a great deal those purchases were, while i reeled at the fact that i would have gone to a variety store for these things--Sur la Table was a place i'd only walked through making sure i didn't knock things over at because i couldn't afford to buy things there if i broke them! He wants to buy a new luxury car to replace His beautiful luxury car and while at a Toyota dealership with Swimmer Guy's vehicle, texted a picture of a Prius that said, "New Prius. 37k. I could buy three of them [for the one luxury car He wants to buy]." He wraps gifts of expensive jewelry not in wrapping paper, but $1500 designer purses!

When Maximus told me early on that He wanted me to travel with Him, i made sure to let Him know that i would not go with Him as a free ride, that i expected to pay my share. He'd been talking about us going to St. Barth's and said, "you won't be able to afford to go there," to which i replied, "Well, then You'll have to give me a year or two notice so i can save up." He took me to Las Vegas for my birthday last year and other than my airfare, which i insisted on paying, He paid for the entire trip, including some very, very expensive meals.

As time has passed, Maximus has been more insistent on paying for things, buying things for me. i work very hard to make sure i reciprocate, paying for meals, dividing lodging expenses equally. In fact, because Maximus used His credit card when we made reservations for this trip, i gave Him a check for half of the amount, and i expected that i was going to have to raise a stink to get Him to deposit it (He did the next day, initially expecting to destroy the check but deciding that action was not worth the consequences He would face from me for doing so). i've just never wanted to be a gold digger. It's been very important to me. When He paid for our Valentine's dinner the previous night, which was very expensive, in my book, He cooed, "You're a cheap date!"

His bonus made it clear how large the financial gap is between us. It started to make me feel very uncomfortable, feeling that i just couldn't keep up with Him, couldn't keep up with paying my way with the places He wants to take me and things He wants to buy and do. It bothered me for several reasons, first, i don't want to feel like i'm taking advantage of Him, His money had nothing to do with the draw i have toward or the love i have for Him; second, i do make great money, much more than most women and many men for that matter, and i've been the major breadwinner in my past marriages, have never felt beholden before; third, i did not want to be like JB, Maximus' 2nd wife, who took advantage of His wealth and spent His money handily; and last, i just didn't want to slow Him down or be a drag.

i started talking to Maximus about this, especially after He started showing me the Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur, California where He wants to take me...the 5th best luxury resort in the US. i picked out where we were staying for this weekend, finding a very beautiful guest home adjacent to a main house with a 70-foot indoor lap pool so we could do our workouts, and was inexpensive, $110 a night. Maximus was telling me how wonderful it was, what a change as in the past He happily, without trepidation would've easily paid five- to ten times that rate--i was showing Him value, and He appreciated it as He'd not known value like this was out there. He loved where we'd stayed in Bend, Oregon, is excited to stay in the condo we will stay at in Lake Las Vegas on an upcoming trip, both of which i picked out and had similar rates. But even at those rates and splitting expenses, and other trips planned to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe, i'm getting to the end of my discretionary spending and afraid i'm not going to be able to continue.

i tried explaining this to Him. And he wasn't getting it. "Baby, I'm so sorry, but I just don't understand what you're saying. This isn't a blue/8 problem...you're speaking Swahili to Me and I just don't get it." It was emotional for me and my eyes teared up and i started to cry as i spoke to Him. i explained how terrified i was about breaking the $100 bottle of wine He'd given me and how i couldn't even imagine opening it. "Why not? Drink it! It's only a $100 bottle of wine and it's for you to drink!" He admonished.

"i can't," i explained, "it's a $100 bottle of wine...how can i drink that? The most expensive bottle of wine i have ever had was $40 and i get nervous buying anything over $14."

"It's a $100 bottle of wine, that's nothing. Someone one gave Me a $1,000 bottle of wine," He replied.

"Did you open it?" i inquired.

"Hell no! It was a $1,000 bottle of wine!!"

i responded, "Well, my $100 bottle of wine is Your $1,000 bottle of wine. Hell no i didn't open it!"

"Ok, I get it."

He explained that our relationship isn't a competition. Maximus isn't buying things expecting me to reimburse Him. There's no tally sheet. It makes Him happy to do this and i repay Him by making Him happy--and i need to learn to accept this. And i'm teaching Him value, He's discovering things He didn't know were out there and available. He also explained that He's never, ever had anyone who paid their way, or even more, picked up the tab for Him like i have; it's been a big change for Him and He's allowed it because He realized it was important to me. "I'm used to $500 dinner tabs, or more with JB. We even had a $1000 per person dinner in Chicago once...a $120 dinner tab like last night is nothing."

"Pay what you can, because I know it's important to you. If I decide we should go to Key West and you can only afford to contribute $35, pay $35. If we're going to Europe and you can't pay anything, don't pay anything. If you want to pay half and can afford it, do it. If you want to pick up the tab, do it, I won't argue with you about it. Whatever makes you happy. I'm happy to pay because you make Me happy." He continued. And then joked about me paying the rest of it with sex and bondage, which made us laugh!

This is a big submission for me. And i hadn't thought of it that way until we'd had this conversation. Taking me to beautiful places and getting things for me are ways Maximus feels He is taking care of me, sharing His life with me. This isn't a chess game, there is no score card.