Contractually Speaking

As i stood in the shower this morning recalling Maximus and i going over the details of our contract last night i thought, "Why doesn't everyone make relationship contracts? Why have i never done this before?" The experience was so amazing, so enlightening, opened up so many areas of conversation that we'd not had, and cemented other topics we'd discussed. It sounds so unromantic, a contract, but it feels like one of the most romantic things i've ever done in my entire life. And important.

The specific details of our contract are private, between He and i, but i will share our process, basic format. We used the contract out of Fifty Shades of Grey as a guideline. i know much of the BDSM community aren't necessary fans of this series, but it did offer an example for us when drafting our personal contract. Our contract is NOT that contract, is different, personalized to us, our experience, our comfort levels. We also looked at other contracts on the internet and BDSM activities lists and incorporated them into it.

The BDSM activities list included about 50 different activities and i went through the list first, on my own,  indicating whether i had ever participated in the activity and then rating my interest in engaging in that activity on a scale from 0-5:

• 0 = I have no interest/don't like this, but would do it to please you.
• 1 = Not very interesting/don't really enjoy this too much.
• 2 = This is OK.
• 3 = This is nice/fun/interesting.
• 4 = I really enjoy/think I'll enjoy this activity
• 5 = I LOVE THIS/CAN'T WAIT TO TRY THIS!

and could combine this with:

• NO = Hard limit. I will not participate in this activity at all, at this time.
• ? = Unfamiliar with this activity.
• + = I'm scared of this but would possibly like to explore it.
• ! = I'm embarrassed to admit I like this.

And then made any comments after that i felt were relevant.

After i sent it to Him, he did the same for each item on the list and returned it to me. We later went over the list together, line by line and discussed each item. Sometimes we had misunderstood the activity or modified the activity in order for acceptable limits for both of us. It was really fascinating and brought up some exciting fantasy talk too!

We discussed the contract over Skype, as He was traveling for business and as noted in my previous blog entry, we really wanted to get the contract settled as soon as possible so we could proceed. We went over that line by line together.

What i learned about Maximus during this process:

• He is very protective and concerned about my well-being. This absolutely is NOT about hurting me but allowing me to love Him by giving myself to Him fully and He to derive pleasure by lavishing attention and care upon me in complete trust. This is a tremendous gift that we are giving each other and sharing together--something we won't share with anyone else. Considering that we will continue to be involved with the swinging lifestyle together and separately, this is a HUGE thing.

• He derives a huge amount of pleasure from my touch and gaze, to the point where the traditional protocol of a submissive not looking at or touching their master until instructed to do so was vehemently unacceptable to Him. i found this fascinating and thrilling. i would have been willing to avert my gaze and wait for His orders to touch Him, had He desired this, but love that He so values that about our relationship together.  

• He was adamant about ensuring that our Dominant/submissive relationship was controlled, not to take over our entire relationship. It was important to Him that we had triggers to indicate when we were within the D/s roles for He wanted to ensure that i had equal footing as He valued that and my ability to speak and act freely in our relationship as a whole. 

• While we both wish to continue our swinging lifestyle and even incorporating BDSM within it, it was important for both of us to distinguish our relationship as a priority from other sexual relationships we have. He shared some changes He was going to make in regards to this, which surprised me, things i wouldn't have asked Him to do, but as He discussed them with me, i appreciated the gravity of them to an enormous degree. They are little things but BIG things. We also talked about communicating about those we are playing with, checking in, and what limits we had with other relationships.

• Our level of communication was also written into our contract, a philosophy of "over-communication," and includes full access and disclosure on electronic accounts and websites, calendars, etc. He was very passionate about this, and has been since our relationship became serious. This is not something i've had in previous relationships and i cannot reiterate enough the level of trust and appreciation i have for Him.

i love that we have the contract, not for the sake of the contract, but for bringing us together to communicate about things that others don't, things that they make inaccurate assumptions about that later become huge rifts. i'm submissive but not a Polyanna...i know we will find things along the way that we haven't talked about, things that will push against our boundaries, assumptions we've made, things we've talked about but misunderstood, and will undoubtedly have issues come up about them. But, we have a framework to talk about these things and, if needed, a contract we can amend to address them. And, most importantly, a commitment to each other in making this work.

People Like Us

They say “opposites attract” but I think people like us fall in love with people like us. We fall in love with ourselves. I think it takes more than just anyone to be with one of us. We see the deeper parts of people. We long for their souls, for their garden of thoughts, for feeling their backbone, their spine, inhaling the words they breathe. We see more in people because of what we know ourselves.

I think we fall in love with people like us, people with beautiful words, and thoughts, and glances at strangers and artistry. We can’t just wake up in the morning and go to work. We want to lie in bed, count the freckles on our shoulders, how many times a raindrop hits the window. We breathe differently. We strive off of beauty, that’s why we can’t settle for just anyone who’s different. There’s got to be a person we find beauty in. Who thinks, and feels, and wonders as remarkably as we sometimes do.

I think we fall into people who are a lot like us because they understand, appreciate, relate, and know the way we experience and feel. And I think that’s important. They say opposites attract, like magnets, they’re pulled, from different places, ending up together. But we don’t need opposites, or magnetic force. We’re on the same side, north or south. We don’t need to be pulled together. We’re already there.

- Unknown

Relief

i worried for naught. He is wonderful and true. In His excitement to talk this morning, He texted between meetings, unbeknownst to me, and thus was brief.

We went over the contract tonight, had an unbelievable discussion on the points and beyond. There is no doubt why i love this man.

...and i love Skype too (just not in the same way)

Uncomfort...

i'm a little taken aback, had a little earthquake. i thought we were on the same path.

i worry now that perhaps i was wrong in thinking that. am waiting for His call to talk about it.

He is traveling for business, two timezones away, and texted me this morning to visit. i shared with Him news one of our swinging lifestyle couple friends, the male half of which (let's call him Mountain man) texted me last night and we visited about our weekends and getting together again soon. This is a couple we've played with together and separately and have very much enjoyed. It is also a couple that He has mentioned getting together with so He can learn rope bondage technique from, so not a couple that won't be aware of our new adventure into BDSM.

Mountain man was very excited to share about his experience this weekend, flogging another female playmate. He also had some specific requests for the next time i would be with him and his mate (let's call her Sunflower). Specifically, he wanted me to peg him wearing a strap-on while he fucked Sunflower and inquired if He (my Dom) would like to watch it, to which i replied, "Of course! And He'll probably want to touch and play with Sunflower and me as well." He went on to say that he and Sunflower were starting to explore their "kinkier side." Remembering our plans to get together with this couple for rope bondage, i mentioned to him that i'd been flogged this weekend as well, having been a good girl, and that we were doing the same, working on our contract and had gone through my sub list. He wanted to know more, wanted to know my limits, etc, but my Dom and i had not talked about sharing that and i said i needed to talk to Him before sharing anything further.

i texted Him about this, to which He replied, "Need to be careful don't want to get ahead of ourselves." Oh...my heart dropped immediately into my stomach.

"What do you mean about getting ahead of ourselves?" i carefully asked.

"Poor choice of words. Brain moving too fast for fingers," He texted.

i was still rocked and really needed to know what this was. "Ok. Rephrase so i understand?"

"you and I need to finish our contract so we are perfectly aligned. That's what I meant," He replied.

i had finished revising our contract before He came this past weekend, but we ran out of time to go over it. i'd sent Him a version prior. We'd talked a lot about everything, i thought, including going over my sub list, so i thought we WERE on the same alignment. Now i'm nervous. Has something changed?

i sent Him a copy of the contract, and then a revision later after i realized the sub list wasn't in it and there were some edits to make based on our weekend's conversations.

He did text that He couldn't wait to Skype later.

i'm trying to be hopeful. What if we aren't aligned? What if we can't negotiate the contract? i thought we'd started already this weekend and that the contract was, in essence, agreed upon. What if there is a dealbreaker in our negotiation and we cannot come to terms with it? i've already given myself completely to Him, body, soul, and heart, based on this assumption. What happens to our relationship if we cannot agree now?

Clearly i am lacking some patience and discipline.

In the Beginning, Part 2: Playful Intentions

I exclaimed His name when i saw Him, "i sent you an email and never heard from you!" i playfully pouted. "What?!? I never got it." "i know, i sent it to your online profile and have seen you've not been on."

"What did it say?" He inquired...

"That i hoped you were ok."

"That's so sweet!"

Summoned by a girlfriend, i sashayed away and sat in her lap as she desired. He approached to inquire what wine He could bring us and we placed our requests. i was glad to see Him, looked forward to playing as i'd missed His adept hands, desired to be taken by Him again. i wanted to play, that was my intention.

He sat with me at dinner, He inquired about my travels, i shared that i had started endurance racing since we'd last seen each other and that i was interested in hearing about His swimming. It was very nonchalant, just catching up on everything other than our relationships. We finished dessert and went off to play. It was wonderful as always and when I went to leave, we made sure we updated our contact information. It was very casual, no intentions at all other than reconnecting to play, and really, in my mind, to play as we had always done, at our friends' parties.

Shortly thereafter, i signed up for a race in his town, three hours away from my home, and contacted Him to see if i might be able to get together with Him when i was there--i was planning on staying with family but thought it'd be great to see Him. He invited me to stay with Him instead, and i accepted.

i was nervous when i arrived, butterflies. We'd spent time together at parties, but not more than socializing at dinner, fucking, and afterglow cuddling. His home was beautiful! Immaculately clean, upscale, beautifully decorated, i was impressed, to say the least. The walls of His office were covered with national swimming awards and medals--i am in awe and feeling a little out of my league. He poured glasses of rich red wine from His extensive wine collection and we sat on the couch and talked about our relationships, having time to finally talk about what'd happened, share some things about ourselves. We started to kiss, it was heavenly. Then we moved into His office...Yes, His office. He cleared the floor, spread a leopard print Liberator mat, peeled off my clothes and His, and enjoyed each other until we were spent and hungry!

The next day we toured around Seattle, scoping out my race location, and wine tasting. And shameless flirting! That night He took me to a local swingers club He belonged to--it was Pirate Night, so we donned our sexy pirate garb and hooked up with His friend Z Baby and her date E to play. Wow! What fun. The four of us found ourselves in the Mirror Room, which, as the name suggests, has walls and ceiling lined with mirrors, although due to fears of broken glass, the mirrors are plastic sheets and have pulled away from the sheetrock in places and warped, giving it a bit of a hiliarious "House of Mirrors" effect! We finally pulled away at got home at 2am as i had a race in just a few hours.

My race? Well, it wasn't my best performance! i was hungover, dehydrated, sleep-deprived, the muscles of my legs and buttocks were burning from two nights of fucking workouts, but He was wonderful support, being an athletic competitor as well.

We enjoyed the rest of my stay over the next days, our friendship blossoming. I returned home and we texted, talked on the phone, and emailed. For our friends' next party two weeks later, i picked Him up at the airport and we arrived together, spent the night together at their home, and then He flew home. In fact, we did that for the next two parties, the second of which i drove Him back to Seattle afterward and stayed at his home for a week while i attended a work conference. Our friendship grew very intimate as we shared our stories, relationship histories, weaknesses and fears, bodies, caring for each other, helping each other out wherever we needed it. Our playful intentions were growing into something more.

Skin on Skin

It first came up two months ago while vacationing in Vegas. My hungry, greedy pussy pulled His condom off during an orgasm while he was still thrusting in and out of me. While He fished it out of me, i told Him, "You're the only one i wouldn't freak out about this with. In fact, you're the only one i'd consider going bare with." He'd confided to me the night before that he had fallen in love with me, shocking me, and while i was scared about it, i was feeling the same, feeling bold enough to offer myself to Him.

 "We have sex with a lot of people, why would you be comfortable with that?" he asked. "Because i know how diligent you are about condoms and i completely trust that you always use them, as do i," i replied. We are both in medical professions and extremely protective about our health. i continued "i'm not saying we should not use them, just that i don't freak out about this with you. It's a big commitment, one i've only done with two other people, and they were both husbands." "See," he replied, "that's another reason."

A month and a half later, after i squirted into His hands, i watched Him rub my juices all over his cock, balls, belly, chest, "Oh YES, I LOVE that!!" before slipping on a condom to penetrate me. "So a question," i quietly started, "how is rubbing my cum all over your bare cock any different than being inside of me?" He froze, brought His hand to his face and replied, "I don't know, I hadn't thought about it that way. That's a good question..." We continued with the condom.

i didn't want to pressure Him. While we love each other and have a wonderful relationship, it is open and we do sleep with other people. We hadn't spoken about whether or not we were bare with anyone else. i love Him and wearing a condom does not diminish that. i was surprised at myself for being at the point of entertaining the thought of going bare, something i didn't imagine i'd do any time soon with anyone, being divorced and enjoying my ethical slutting.

Last night He stepped out of the shower we shared upon returning home from the swingers party, sliding the glass door shut behind Him to keep in the hot steam for me while i continued to dry off. We'd been telling each other all about our night's experiences at the party and moved onto talking about our first flogging we'd shared together before we'd left. i had told Him how arousing it was being brought to the edge of orgasm over and over and then having us both have to wait for release at the party. "I so wanted to slam my cock into you right then when you were still bent over the couch, no condom or anything, I wanted you. It took everything I had not to." i stopped drying my hair, ran my hand over the steamed glass of the shower door, and leaned my forehead onto the glass to look out at Him through the square of transparency. "This keeps coming up. Do you want to?" i asked as i opened the shower door and went to Him. "We have sex with so many other people," he responded, holding His towel to his chin. "You had sex with a lot of people when you were married, did you wear condoms with [your wife]?" i paused. He looked at me, grabbed my hand and pulled me to Him. "I rub your cum all over my cock...Ok,this is ours. Do you want this?" he asked. "Yes, i do," I repled. "i'm committed to you. i'm only bare with you, you're only bare with me." He kissed me deeply and said, "Come, I'm not going to fuck you, I'm going to make love to you now," and pulled me into the bedroom, into the bed.

He pulled back the covers, exposing the new red satin sheets i'd bought to share with Him. He laid me back onto them and positioned Himself gently on top of me, kissing me deeply, His erection hot against my legs. Suddenly He pushed Himself upward with one arm, made a fist with the other hand and hit it against his chest, as a baseball catcher would call a game, first in the center of his chest, then over his heart, and then the right side, and ending over his heart, holding his fist there. "This is ours, baby," and he slid Himself into me. Oh God, the heat and we moaned into each other.

It was heaven, so hot. "i'm yours," i breathed into Him as we made love. i climaxed over and over, my cum running down His balls, His legs, soaking the towel He'd placed beneath me as He took me to bed. "Oh God," he exclaimed as he shot hot cum into me for our first time, sending me into orgasm again. "Ah, ah, ah!" as he pulsed and shuttered, His arms holding me tight into his chest. We are soaked, inside and out, and collapse into each other to revel in this monumental thing.

We curled into each other to sleep, blissful. i'm awakened by His need, hands exploring my body, His hips pressing into me. i roll over and take Him in again, every bit as hot as before. He fills me again and as turn to curl against Him, He reaches down into me, scooping out our mingled cum, spreading it over my sex, my thighs, my Mons, mixing us together as one, anointing me, as if to show i am His.

We sleep wrapped in each other, waking twice more to His need and repeating until we are both utterly spent and greeted by the dawn.

First Flogging

     We were concluding our discussion on our intentions, desires, fears, deepest demons on entering into our Dom-sub adventure together.
     "You've been a good girl, g. Stand."
     As i stood from the couch He walked away to the black Coach bag embroidered with Fun Stuff in hot pink on the side.
     "Take off your shirt and bra, drop your jeans, and bend over the couch." i obeyed, quickly shedding my clothing as directed. i was glad i had put on my new white panties with the sheer white lace backside that framed my ass so well and gave a peekaboo, see-through view. He'd not seen them before.
     "Oh, nice," He cooed as he ran his hand over my ass cheeks and the lace. I stretched my arms out in front of me on the couch, prostrate, offering myself completely to Him. A quick slap to my left buttock sent shivers up my spine and jellied my knees. My swollen pussy, aroused with our conversation, pulsed, adding moisture to my already soaked panties.
     i feel His fingers at my hips tugging at my panties, pulling them down and shimmying them to my ankles. "Wider," he instructed, guiding me to step wider, exposing my throbbing wet sex. "Oh, nice, goosebumps."
     "You're so wet," as he slides first one finger, then a second into my wetness. He pulses His fingers into my G spot, my breath staggers, my arms push even more forward ahead of me, sending my ass upward. i'm on the edge of orgasm, about to squirt, and He stops, pulling His fingers out of my pussy to my face, "Taste." His fingers are slick with my juices, thick and sweet, as they enter my mouth as they first entered my pussy, first one finger, then a second. Oh God, i taste good, sweet with wanting. i've been waiting for Him.
     i feel the flat leather lashes of the flogger trail slowly over my skin as He pulls it across my ass. He does this several times in both directions. i'm quaking. He then drags them upward from the back of my thighs up onto my ass, both sides, and finally, over my wet slit. "Oh, " i moan.
     The flogger pulls away and i feel lashes adhered to my sex by my wetness, pulling me as they are removed from my body--it's heaven. Then the lashes strike my buttocks, slapping, gentle, increasing in intensity. They move to vertical and hit my pussy, my clit. "Oh my God!" I drag my fingernails across the ridged upholstery. It repeats, varies, sticks to the juices running down my legs. His other hand rubs down my spine.
     He stops and i gasp. His fingers thrust into me, pounding my G, bringing me to the edge and pull away. His tongue replaces them, lapping my wetness, taking me nearly there and leaving. He grasps a handful of my long dark curly hair just above the nape of my neck and tightens his grip, pulling my head back, causing my mouth to open and kisses me forcefully, sharing His sweet mouthful. i suck his tongue. My breathing is erratic, my chest heaves, my body electric.
     His hands release my hair and rub down my spine once more and flogging again commences. More forceful. "Oh, yes." i hear him exclaim. i feel his erection through his jeans as he presses himself against my hip. His fingers enter me again, taking me to the edge but not over.
     "Suck me."
     i push myself up off the couch and kneel in front of Him and pull down his jeans that He'd unzipped, freeing his erection. He is hot, throbbing. i pull Him into my mouth and suck, swirling my tongue around His swollen head, teasing the triangle of skin at the sulcus that i know drives Him wild. His precum coats my tongue, slippery and wonderful. "Yes, play with my balls," he breathes, and i take them into my mouth, one at a time, rubbing his cock with my hands, and eventually taking both in. i return to his cock and take Him deep into my throat, letting it gag me, knowing how much He loves to hear and feel me gag on Him.
     He pushes me back over the couch and i wonder if He will fuck me. His fingers run up from my pussy, His hand slaps my ass. "Ok. My God!" and He steps back, pulling His jeans up.
     i am breathless, quivering, ignited hearing His pleasure. We have a swingers party to go to in just over an hour. i can feel His want, love His denial for us both. He helps me up and kisses me. He asks me how it was and i am speechless, out of breath, i cannot form words as i try to describe the ecstasy of pleasing Him. He holds me up and i am adored, as i whisper, "unbelievably awesome."

In the Beginning

As usual, i'm four steps ahead of myself...

How did we get here? Who are we? Let me start with our beginning, how we met and started our relationship together.

He and i have been great friends for years, met in the swinger lifestyle. i remember meeting Him for the first time, walking into our friends home with my then husband, and seeing Him walk out into the great room in a flourish, completely energizing the entire room and party. i remember being instantly transfixed with this gorgeous man and blown away when He approached me, sexy smile, "Mmmmm, hello," an amazing kiss and rub, then his wonderful giggle when He then inquired if i'd like a glass of wine. "Who is this man?", i thought. i want more.

We sat next to each other at dinner, flirts, glances, touches. After dessert He disappeared, only to reappear naked, swimmer's physique, completely tan except his white ass glowing as He walked outside to the catcalls and teasing from the group about always being the first one naked. Oh my god, how do i not make it obvious, but i want to strip right now and join Him. i cannot remember how or when, but i did join Him, we met in the hot tub and promptly went upstairs to play.

His skin, oh His skin, i remember touching it for the first time--like kid leather, supple, taut, warm, golden, shaved smooth for swimming. His body on top of mine is heaven. Amazing kisses, my hands in his silky hair. And then He takes me in squirting orgasm with His hands, "That's my favorite thing!" I gasp, "Please don't stop!" We played together and then parted to check on our respective spouses and then played with others, it was, after all, a swingers party. We exchanged contact information when I left with my husband.

Although i so enjoyed Him, our contact was limited to parties at our friends' home, so a few times a year. Neither my husband nor i had chemistry with His wife, but that did not deter us from enjoying each other fully when we were together.

Some time after, my marriage dissolved, well, it wasn't solid to begin with. i contacted our lifestyle friends to let them know our status and contact changes. He replied to me to let me know i was always welcome to come stay with Him and his wife. i never took him up on that offer. i had lost my soul in my last marriage. i did see Him one last time at our friend's Halloween party, two years ago this week, enjoyed Him but sex was a distraction i couldn't handle and i needed to heal. i slipped away from the swinging lifestyle, delved into Tantra to rediscover myself.

After over a year of healing, learning through trial and error that vanilla relationships did not fit my life, i returned to swinging, reconnecting with my friends in this lifestyle. i returned to my online sources to reconnect and found His status had changed to single--i was shocked! i sent Him a note to let Him know i was sorry to see the status change, hoped He was ok, and as i had gone through a breakup myself, asked Him to let me know if he needed anything or just to talk. i never heard from Him. i checked his profile occasionally and saw He hadn't been online to read it. Not knowing whose contact info i had, His or his wife's, i was reluctant to email or call. 

Two months later, as i walked into my friends' home, i watched Him walk out into the great room in a flourish, completely energizing the entire room and party...i want more.

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings

Becoming gabriella

There are days that become turning points in our lives, our relationships. Sometimes it takes retrospection to determine the day that changed our course, other times, we know instantly. Today is a turning point, and i knew it the instant it happened.

Today i became gabriella. Well, to you. i am something else, something special and unique to Him. i've not yet heard him speak my new name, i must wait, and i am impatient about it. It is something only i will hear from His lips and it will make me His.

i am to be his submissive, He is to be my Dominant. It started simply enough, an email from Him from the other side of the planet, literally, to update me that He was coming home, that He was reading a Dom/sub book I recommended to Him months before.

Hummm. Maybe we should write up a contract. Hummmm.

My heart flew forward and crashed into the front of my chest!  i copied a contract with edits and emailed it to Him. My panties are wet, the images evoked in my mind are incredible. i want Him home. Now.

How is it that my heart feels the distance between here and where you are in Europe when the space shouldn’t feel any different than when you’re at home and I’m here? Miss you intensely.

He emails his dream...we are at a swingers lifestyle party

Just after dinner and before dessert we excuse ourselves. We return and you are naked with only boots on. You are blindfolded and your arms are tied behind your back. People can talk to you but you cannot respond without first asking me for permission. If we could get a wig, long hair, of course, that would be great, maybe blonde or red hair. If you disobey, a quick paddle reminds you that this is not acceptable behavior. I explain to the group as I walk you around that they may as ME directly if they can touch you. I may choose to insert some items into you in front of everyone. YOU cannot cum.

After walking you around we got into the center of the room. You drop to your knees on a big covered area. I then place several bottles of body paint around you. I then ask for anyone to come over and write/draw comments on your beautiful body. Certain words, like "whore" are not allowed and we will need you to provide a list to the group. The group will finish dessert during this event. I will also have a bucket of ice cubes that might be used. If the paint comes off with the ice then it will be used later. After your beautiful body is covered I will of course take some pictures.

All of the men will be asked if they would like to have their dicks sucked and you will, of course, do that. Balls deep, of course. Gagging on cocks is encouraged. Oh you will, of course, be begging to be allowed to cum. The normal evening activities will then start, if anything could be normal after this.

i want this.

He's on a plane back to the US and out of reach. i can't stop thinking about this. i can't stop wanting Him. my heart feels like it will explode in my chest, swollen with love for Him, stealing my breath. i write. i write how much i want this, to be His. i warn him that this will change us forever, He will have my total devotion.

I have lots of thoughts, lots of questions. I am wet, excited, distracted, not fearful.

We have lots to discuss. I’m starting to write things down. I do want to know how you desire this to be. I want to know about the dark side that concerns you. I want you to know about my flaws and dark side as well.

We will be reworking the contract together. I’d edited it to be not Dom/sub but our conversations have changed since then.

I want you to know what excites me about this, as it is on many levels, sexuality is only a part of it, perhaps less than the nonsexual. I want you to fully understand what this would mean to me and my relationship with you. I want to know that this change is acceptable to you. You are touching something very deep and vulnerable inside me. I’ve not shared much of this with anyone, including spouses, because they did not understand what I needed in our relationship, in fact they misunderstood me to the point that I could not stay because I did not feel cherished, adored, desired, or respected. They felt I needed to be in control of everything, which was entirely wrong. I need to be scared to fight and overcome. I am happiest serving others. My job fits me because of this, I can be absolutely terrified and be strengthened into action to serve others—it’s not at all what people think. I am a perfectionist and I hate making mistakes, that fear pushes me and looks like control to others.

Please know that I will get scared and I will run…you’ve seen this already. My family will tell you about occasions that I did this growing up. It is my dark demon. I will need you to chase me, to come get me, wrap yourself around me, lay with me, hold me, stroke me and reassure me, wipe my tears. I need to know that you can do this, that you can handle that. I will come back and will be stronger. I will push and question and need your reassurance. I am being completely honest about this because this is the thing that has destroyed relationships, my inability to keep from poking and questioning, causing a fracture that requires communication and devotion to repair something that seemingly wasn’t broken. I do this knowing the consequences, but am unable to stop myself even though I wish I could, knowing there will be punishment/discipline/hurt. I look for hurt so I can be reassured. As a sub I will be the same, you will have to discipline me and then adore me, I will need it as a reassurance of your devotion. I will struggle and submit. I need to trust that I won’t be taken advantage of, however, so telling you all of this is an extreme act of vulnerability.

I crave this submissive crawling back and I need someone strong enough to help me. You did not disappear from me when this happened, in fact I felt our relationship grow. I do not do this maliciously, I do not decide, “today I’ll push buttons,” it happens and I cannot control it. It does not happen frequently, but it does occur, as you’ve experienced. This is the part that made me scared about Growing Old Together. I will be completely devoted but I will poke you. No one has been strong enough for that.

I want to be yours. I want you to have me, train me, let me serve you. I wish to serve you and be trained. I want your permission to continue to play with others separately and together. I will always be yours, even while I play. I need to know that I am yours when you play with others separately, that you are devoted to me and my service and that this relationship is unique to you and me. I would want this to be a primary relationship to those. I will panic and be devastated if I think someone else has a relationship with you such as mine. I must be your only sub, you will be my only master.

I do not wish to be demoralized. I had “humiliated” there but in reading about what humiliation in Dom/sub is, it seems I participate in acts of humiliation with you already (begging, blindfolds, masterbating for you, licking my own cum off you, golden showers, etc). Demoralizing might not be the right word either. We will need to go through lists and mark what I find humiliating, I guess. I have found several online.

I will need your complete honesty and openness in return. I cannot handle being shutout whatsoever. The worst thing for me is to be punished by someone not talking to me when I desperately need to talk about our relationship or situation. It is a red limit for me as I become incensed and it humiliates me.

This is something I carry with me…it’s from Eat, Pray, Love and hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it. I was married to C at the time and it has related to every relationship I’ve had.

I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

This is of the utmost importance that you understand about me. I have recovered from R by becoming infatuated with MYSELF—I fell in love with me. You are risking my total devotion to you and you need to be ready for that. I think you can see my relationship with R in that passage, I know I can distinctly. What this doesn’t say, is that the men I’ve chosen are not strong are not devoted and adoring, and have taken my energy without replenishing it, or rather, I chose men who did not give me energy. After my relationship with R, my response to this was to decide to guard my heart, not fall in love, and to never marry again. I am wanting to let down my shields for you and you are the first man to know about my permeable membrane. I cannot enter dom/sub with my shields up, it won’t work. I will need energy and time and love back from you in large amounts. I want this to be you.

I don’t want this to scare you. I want to be as honest about myself as possible. It seems jumbled, I know.

I have questions, will write them as well. I wanted to start with information about me, my dark side, in case that was a deal breaker. I hope it’s not.

Lastly, I need my own identity. I don’t want to be called Miss Steele, Anastasia, or Ana. You may decide what that will be. I will call you whatever you wish to be called other than Christian or Mr. Grey, as you are not him.

Submitted on my knees [per his IM]