Speaking Pieces

Maximus and i have discovered PODCASTS! What an amazing resource these have become for us.

It started with Masocast, a BDSM/fetish podcast from New York City hosted primarily by a submissive male, sometimes with his Dom female. i found this podcast by searching BDSM in iTunes when the new Podcasts app came out with the latest iOS upgrade for my iPhone. This has been a great podcast for us to listen to, has brought up a lot of discussion. One of our favorite episodes was a recent interview with Bendyogagirl, a submissive female who has recently made the move to Seattle--yay, our town! But for the most part, however, Masocast has been a bit more focused on Dominant females as the host is a submissive male, and has had Maximus desiring a podcast with a more male D/s female focus.

After listening to Bendyogagirl's interview, i'd mentioned something about her to Maximus in a text and He replied that she'd slept with her butt plug in that night. What?!? How do you know that?? i replied. Well, Maximus has discovered Twitter and had started following her and she'd tweeted about that. So i figured i needed to get on Twitter too so i could get all the juicy BDSM/kink details in the world out there. So you can now find me on Twitter at gabriellagift!

The reason i bring up Twitter is that it has opened up a whole new world of podcasts for us to listen to! We have discovered The Dark Side with Dark Angel and Knot Nice, two Dominant males from Canada who talk all about BDSM/kink. And through them, we discovered Dan and dawn of the Erotic Awakening podcast, which we absolutely LOVE!!! Both of these podcasts have brought up tons of discussion points for us, and we really connect with Dan and dawn's energy and style. We have taken up letting each other know which podcast episodes were are listening to so we can listen as close to simultaneously as possible and then call or text or email during or after to talk about what we've learned or want to learn from each other about what was brought up. i've been wanting Maximus to read some of the books i've read on BDSM/kink and D/s so we could discuss topics, but He's been crazy busy, so this is an excellent option for Him. Interestingly enough, Dan and dawn's book, Living M/s, was already on my Amazon Kindle wish list--i didn't know they had a podcast!

So i am anxious to start blogging on discussion points Maximus and i encounter while we listen to these podcasts. i'll also post more podcasts we find as we come across them. And, if you have podcasts you love, please share them with us.

Behind the Curtain

The man behind the curtain really is important! We MUST pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

Maximus and i really did have an amazing week. i think in many ways, we learned more about each other and ourselves in this week than we've learned in the past several months--and that's saying a lot!

i flew up to see Him instead of driving. Wow if that wasn't a treat! Maximus flew in from His business trip about two hours after i arrived. The original plan was to be in a bar in the airport waiting for Him and have a role play where He would approach me and pick me up--and He had to be successful! Unfortunately, all the bars in the airport closed at 10PM, so no scene!

We spent the first part of the week at His house. We slept, fucked, swam, shopped, decorated His house, cooked, ate, lounged, talked and talked and talked. It was absolutely wonderful! We did have some kink play, which i'll blog about separately, but we just spent time TOGETHER, which is what we both needed so desperately. We did some planning for upcoming vacations together, including a trip to Hawaii in April. We also met a dear friend of His, PoodleS, for brunch, and i just loved her! As we were walked to our table, PoodleS nudged Maximus and asked, "Daughter?" which catapaulted Him into a fit of giggles and huge smile that never left His face that whole day and all the days after.

Everything was complete bliss until our last morning at Maximus'. i woke up edgy, concerned about several things, including my plan to work on His iPhone on our trip down to my house. I was going to use the time on the road to install some apps and do some configurations on His phone for His GoPro camera and a calendar program and knew i just wasn't going to be able to do that without going through His texts--it bothered me. In fact, i got out of the pool very early into our swim workout, prompting Maximus to leave the pool and holler into the women's locker room to check on me, which made me feel embarrassed rather than loved (He was concerned about my welfare, having never left the pool early before. It was out of pure love and i didn't appreciate how caring it was.)

In the car i did go through His texts and ended up getting upset. Maximus had mentioned earlier in the week, when i brought up that i felt He was very distanced, that He was so exhausted that He wasn't even talking to Ms. W. Text messages showed otherwise. In addition, it also showed that after He was telling me goodnight each night, that He was too tired to stay up, that He spent time texting her. This upset me a lot. It felt like He had not been honest when He said He wasn't talking to her and i didn't like that she was the last person He was talking to each night. This made me cry. He hadn't realized He'd been doing that, didn't understand my feelings about it initially.

During our discussion, Maximus accidentally divulged that His biggest fear was that i was going to leave Him and that He would be old and alone the rest of His life, would die and no one would come to His funeral. This shocked me, because i was not leaving Him, was just discussing something that was bothering me, and that my concern was that He would die when i was away from Him and that i'd never know, no one would notify me. We both had the same fear, of the other person leaving. This was behind both of our curtains, never meant for the other to see.

Maximus asked if i would consider going to counseling together. i agreed wholeheartedly. i have always thought that if someone asked another person to go to couples counseling they should absolutely agree to do it. It takes a lot of courage to ask a partner to go to counseling and shows a huge willingness to work together on the relationship--how could you ever refuse someone that? It's not that we're having problems, it's that we both have a history of failed relationships, with two divorces each, and we want to give our lives together every chance to succeed. Shouldn't you go to couples counseling at the beginning of a relationship and learn how to best interact with each other instead of at the end when you are at each others throats and have damaged each other to the point of splitting up?

We had a lot of discussion about conflict. Maximus does not like conflict, i do not mind conflict, as long as it is constructive and not damaging. i would much rather communicate about issues rather than hold them in and pretend everything is fine, just to have them build up and explode later. He does understand this, and does appreciate the outcome, it's just not a process that He's completely comfortable with. Interestingly, it's new for Him, this level of communication in a relationship. i think counseling will help us do this better.

The resolution was great! That night i shared with Maximus that i felt uncomfortable about how i have dealt with His phone, that i feel i have been disrespectful in how i have gone about looking at His texts. He has given me carte blanche access to His email and phone, but i think going through His email or phone behind His back or under false pretenses without asking for permission is disrespectful to Him. He did not think it had been disrespectful, but understood that i felt this way and would have me ask Him on a case by case basis to see His email or phone if i had concerns. i also shared with Him some OCD history of mine which has made full access unbearable to me and how not having His new email password (changed from a recent potential hack) has been a complete relief. He was very shocked at my confession and appreciated knowing.

We spent the last night tromping around town, window shopping and browsing a very ecclectic area, holding hands, giggling, adoring each other. We talked and talked as we wandered. Maximus asked for my thoughts on some of His future contingencies and i started to wonder about how i fit into them. i actually started to realize that i really didn't have a clear vision of our future together, how He saw us and how we'd be together then. We settled into a wonderful bourbon bar we'd discovered on our last forray into town and i asked Him about His vision of us. It was an amazing, surprising conversation for me. And, He was surprised that i didn't know the vision. He didn't want to tell me at first, because His feelings for me are equivalent to being at that step in a traditional relationship where you want to marry someone--which is something we have discussed not wanting to do again, and our families are behind us on that as well. We were in the middle of this wonderful discussion when friends of mine surprizingly appeared and we joined them at a table together.

After a wonderful evening with friends, we headed back to the car, Maximus tipsy on flights of bourbon, and we started our discussion back up where we left off, both anxious to discuss it more. The discussion started well but when nearly home, in the middle of talking about us and our future, Maximus started talking about Ms. W out of the blue. i was crushed and in absolute disbelief. Suddenly Maximus stopped and said, "Why am i talking about Ms. W now?" and i replied, "i don't know and i can't answer that for You, but You do that all the time, every time we talk about us You bring her up." It was devastating for me. He kept asking why and it made me angry. i told Him to stop talking and that our conversation about our future was over for the night--He needed to answer His own question before we could ever talk about this again. He tried to keep talking and i finally exploded, "It's just completely insensitive when you bring her up all the time. IT'S FUCKING RUDE!" He blurted out, "That's it, I've figured it out, that's the answer! I've had an epiphany!" And it made me more upset because it was not the answer, it was merely the effect His actions had on me. He kept telling me it was the answer to His question. i told Him to stop talking to me and we drove the last five minutes home in silence, my heart shattered.

When we got into the house i turned to Him, "i have two things to say. First, You need to go to counseling and figure out why you can't talk about us without talking about Ms. W. Second, i'm not running away, but we cannot have a discussion about our future until you figure out the answer to number one." He then explained that His epiphany was that in His desire to be completely transparent about how He did not love Ms. W and that i was His sole, primary relationship, He'd constantly brought Ms. W up to remind me that His relationship with her was not at all a threat. He'd not realized how hurtful this has been to me, how it has contributed to my complete misunderstanding of their relationship and jealousy, and was utterly and completely rude. And then He exclaimed how happy and joyous He was about discovering that--i on the other hand was completely devastated. He recognized that in the process of His discovery i got completely burned. i'd never felt so crushed.

Maximus crawled into bed and begged me to come hold Him. i was upset because i wanted to be the one held, thought i deserved that. But i decided that i really just needed to love Maximus and went to Him and held Him. Before He drifted off to sleep, Maximus said, "you'll never find anyone as good as Me, who loves you like I do," and this just hurt me. i told Him not to say anything like that, that was what men say when they leave a relationship, a slap, not a nice thing. He apologized, not realizing it was hurtful. He fell asleep but i could not. i got up and sat on the stairs to think. After a bit i went down to eat some leftovers from dinner when suddenly Maximus burst down in a panic, having woken from a fit of anxiety, not knowing where He was and finding me gone, His worst fear.

He returned to bed and i followed shortly after. He asked me to hold Him and i simply requested that He hold me this time. He held me and we slept.

The next morning was difficult. i still felt crushed while Maximus felt relieved by figuring this out. He acknowledged that my burn wound was still hurting and would take some time to heal. He thanked me for incurring my injury to save Him, understanding that i hurt for it.

i was exhausted. i had more to talk about, had done some thinking during the night and realized that i needed something from Maximus. When Maximus gave me GOT, it was a gift, that we would Grow Old Together. But, it has made me feel a little bit like a foregone conclusion, an assumption. Not that i was running away or would say no, but i really wanted Maximus to ask me to spend the rest of my life with Him, and not as a marriage proposal, but as partners together in our lives. The statement in bed that night really made me realize that. i don't want it to be assumed that i won't find anyone better, i want it to be my choice that i go with Him, that He chose me and i chose Him, not an assumption for either of us. It took a bit of explaining as i was tired and not articulating well, but He understood. He assured me that He has had this planned, that i am not an assumption, that there will be a time and a place and He will ask.

and i will say yes. i'm not running.

Drained

i shouldn't feel drained, i should feel excited, but i'm drained. The last few weeks have taken more out of me than i realized, i guess. i had the mediation week with Maximus, learned of the death of a college friend, and then my grandmother got extremely ill and we've put her under hospice care. With that, Maximus' work has ramped up and he's been pounded with workforce reduction planning, reviews, and travel. We're both drained. We've not found ourselves simultaneously in low energy before and i'm not handling it gracefully.

We're still learning about each other. i've never seen energy-drained Maximus before, and it's through distance, so i'm not getting the whole picture. i only see changes in communication and then try to understand my feelings in response to the changes. my weakness is in automatically thinking that something's wrong with our relationship and that we're in trouble. Phone calls and Skype sessions have been shorter, Maximus has been multitasking during them, which makes me feel like i don't have His attention and that i'm interrupting Him. There've been fewer text messages and His responses are short, "Thanks," "Cool," "Nice," "OK" rather than answers. So i started to evaluate everything through that lens, that something's wrong and i'm bothering Him.

We started to talk on the phone last night after i posted Two Days, and during it, He mentioned that He was going to be busy working while i was there, which really put me off. i was at work and really couldn't talk about this, especially since i could feel myself getting emotional about it and really didn't need that at work, so we ended the call. i emailed and we texted about it, and Maximus assured me that what i was feeling was His low energy, the lowest He's ever been, and then decided, from our conversation, that He really needed a break for the night, that He was exhausted and it was effecting both of us. i felt bad, "Distracted You from Your plans tonight, i'm sorry," i wrote.

Maximus replied, "No. This is exactly what I needed. Picked up 5%. Sunlight from you baby."

i woke up even more drained, especially after an emotional work situation that night. i just couldn't shake my feeling. Maximus responded with love and pics to pick me up, but wasn't working. i emailed Him:

Here are things that make me feel the space between us. Yes, i am all around you. All the things i’ve given you were from my heart, made or selected just for you. Most of which, i know, are hidden away when i leave and come out of drawers so they look like they are always there when i arrive [Maximus and i are waiting to be open to His family about our relationship until after the final paperwork is done for His divorce, which should be within the next month or so. Therefore, my pictures are put up when His family arrives, for now.]. i don’t have things to surround myself with.

The majority of the time we’ve spent together has been when i’ve come up there. Yes, You’ve come down a few times, all but once was because there was a party to attend at M and S’s. This time you have a meeting here. i feel like you need some other reason to come down here, not just to see me or spend time together.  A month ago you suggested coming down for three weeks…when i brought that up last time, You rescinded that, acted like it was the biggest imposition for me to ask—i DIDN’T ASK, You said You wanted to do this. Now You have no interest in it.

We’ve talked about phone and Skype calls…they’re abrupt.

Texts have gotten very clipped. Most of the replies i get from you are “Thanks” “cool” “nice” “ok”. i feel like a moron for sending a text in the first place when i get responses like that.

i’ve traded a shift, taken a vacation day, turned down overtime, purchased a plane ticket to come see you the end of this week and weekend. You, on the other hand, will be working.

These don’t make me feel special. i feel like a fool. i feel like i’m wasting our time.

i feel Your interest lies elsewhere. i don’t exactly know where that is, but You found it sometime in the last few weeks.

Ok, so that's my point of view. He called on His way to the airport. Maximus was very patient with me. i had to read the email to Him as He was driving. He recognizes that i have been affected by His low energy, and because i have brought this to His attention the last two days, He's taken steps to rest and take care of Himself to build His energy back up. He was very cheerful and happy during our phone call, despite me being down. Unfortunately, i've taken His low energy very personally. We talked about the issues and how things have been situational and not how they are going to be forever.

"you inspire Me to be better," He texted when He got on the plane.

"i'm glad. i feel drained," i replied.

"I know. My job to recharge you."

Two Days

"Desiring my collar..." i texted Him this morning.

"Two more sleeps baby." He responds.

Later i text again, "Wednesday not here fast enough. Miss You today."

"Miss you  always" 

"me too...some days even more."

Two days before we see each other again are always the hardest for me. i seem to do fine with a week, or even more, but two days bring such wanting that i can hardly stand it. If only i could bite a poisoned apple, fall into Sleeping Beauty's slumbered trance, and wake to His kiss.

i miss His touch, the softness of His skin, His scent when i nuzzle into His neck, His giggle, His hair, being entwined, laying on His chest, a hot cup of coffee in His bed, watching Him walk down the length of the pool deck in utter disbelief that i'm His and He's mine, impromptu dates, rich wine, napping with Him, His touch...

i miss pleasuring Him, serving, giving myself to Him, the pleasure-pain Ying Yang as He explores my body and mind and soul looking for limits, His direction, being held in suspense and the massive release that comes afterward, hearing Him come, feeling it surge inside me, His earthquakes i induce afterward...

i miss His soul...

No one warned me how deeply i would fall and how He would be there to catch me and hold me...how would they know?...how could i know?

Two days is always the anticipation of the fall, its walking to the edge, the first glimpse over, waiting to take the step. It's the heart-pounding, throbbing, oh my god it's going to happen. A week out is far enough away from the edge to not see it yet, the edge blends into the horizon and appears as an eternity, infinite.

Two days is Ying Yang, pleasure-pain. So close you can almost touch it but you can't.

Two days is always the hardest for me.

Hot Under the Collar

So sorry about the big break there...have been dealing with a family illness since Maximus' arrival just before New Years Eve. In fact, i got notification 10 minutes before He arrived, switched our plans to head to family out of town, then was told to wait. So i've been kinda thrown.

Maximus and i had a wonderful late Christmas and New Years together. That anticipation just about killed me! i had made Him a quilt and i could hardly wait to give it to Him. i've called this pattern Multiple Os!

 And made a custom quilt label for the back of the quilt:

i'd also had a boudoir photo session with a photographer friend, so had some very special pictures for Maximus and made a photo book for Him through Blurb. It turned out spectacularly! i might have to order one for myself! A few of my favorite pics...

 

i received a very fun stocking full of toys for Him to use with me, including an amazing metal bead flogger--wow does that have some weight behind it!

And an anal hook!!! i've soooo wanted one of these! If you look carefully, in the picture below, you can see the red outline on my left ass cheek from the beaded metal flogger. The hook is tied to my hair, pulling my head back.

 
It also is amazing in my pussy!

There were some wonderful screw-down nipple clamps and, a collar! Unfortunately i don't have a picture of it--yet. i will have one soon (Maximus took all the BDSM toys home with Him, including my collar. i'll explain why in a bit). The title picture at the top of this blog is the only picture i have. It is just beautiful, heavy black leather, lined with red satin, matching the wonderful wrist and ankle cuffs Maximus already gave me.

New Years Eve, before we got ready to head to our friends for their swinging NYE party, Maximus ceremoniously collared me as i knelt before Him. He professed His love and commitment to me, what the collar meant, and lovingly secured the collar around my neck. i was so overwhelmed with the emotion of it that i cannot remember exactly what He told me in order to write it down. i'm just shocked at that! i'm sure there will be punishment involved for my lack of recall in such a momentous event.

Maximus and i ended up playing together for 16 hours straight...with some sleep in between. We never do that before play parties, in fact, Maximus generally will not even allow Himself to come during the day of a party, conserving Himself. It was like we were in heat--we could not keep ourselves off of each other!

Dress for the party was formal. Maximus wore His tux and looked absolutely magnificent. i wore the amazing little black dress i got for our Vegas trip this last fall because it went perfectly with some amazing shoes i got especially for Maximus for this night.

We had a wonderful night! i was absolutely worn out, sexually, however! Boy did Maximus get a kick out of that! We are both known as Energizer Bunnies amongst this group and everyone is always trying to wear us out. He just loved that HE was the one who wore me out!

The next morning, Maximus and i discovered some chainmail in a ziplock bag in the play loft. When we inquired about it, we learned it was a chainmail dress! Well...we immediately ran back up to the loft to grab it so He could dress me in it--you've never seen two people run so fast in your life! Maximus stripped me upstairs and led me back downstairs to the awaiting group, naked, and dressed me in the chainmail dress and put my lipstick heel shoes on me in front of them. WOW! It is amazing...and COLD and heavy!












And then we all had some fun! i was put over the lap of J Extreme and he and Maximus took turns spanking me on his lap.

Beautiful HAND-iwork!

Maximus returned home late that afternoon. Because the next time we are together i'll be flying up to see Him, Maximus took all of our toys with Him, including my new collar. i was just not sure how easy it would be to take all that through TSA and i certainly didn't want to lose anything, either by checking the bag full or by having agents remove things from my carry-on.

It was a great few days together. We are both looking to being together again, which, will now be in just a few days of this writing, but really two weeks from our Christmas/New Years holiday together. We're both needing to recharge our batteries and are looking forward to some quality time together to get our energy back. And for the first time in my life, i have someone who recharges my batteries, not an energy drainer.

Arrrggh!

So sorry for the absence....regular life has been crazy and taken over. Will be back shortly.

All is well with us, no worries!

Kisses!
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