Behind the Curtain

The man behind the curtain really is important! We MUST pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

Maximus and i really did have an amazing week. i think in many ways, we learned more about each other and ourselves in this week than we've learned in the past several months--and that's saying a lot!

i flew up to see Him instead of driving. Wow if that wasn't a treat! Maximus flew in from His business trip about two hours after i arrived. The original plan was to be in a bar in the airport waiting for Him and have a role play where He would approach me and pick me up--and He had to be successful! Unfortunately, all the bars in the airport closed at 10PM, so no scene!

We spent the first part of the week at His house. We slept, fucked, swam, shopped, decorated His house, cooked, ate, lounged, talked and talked and talked. It was absolutely wonderful! We did have some kink play, which i'll blog about separately, but we just spent time TOGETHER, which is what we both needed so desperately. We did some planning for upcoming vacations together, including a trip to Hawaii in April. We also met a dear friend of His, PoodleS, for brunch, and i just loved her! As we were walked to our table, PoodleS nudged Maximus and asked, "Daughter?" which catapaulted Him into a fit of giggles and huge smile that never left His face that whole day and all the days after.

Everything was complete bliss until our last morning at Maximus'. i woke up edgy, concerned about several things, including my plan to work on His iPhone on our trip down to my house. I was going to use the time on the road to install some apps and do some configurations on His phone for His GoPro camera and a calendar program and knew i just wasn't going to be able to do that without going through His texts--it bothered me. In fact, i got out of the pool very early into our swim workout, prompting Maximus to leave the pool and holler into the women's locker room to check on me, which made me feel embarrassed rather than loved (He was concerned about my welfare, having never left the pool early before. It was out of pure love and i didn't appreciate how caring it was.)

In the car i did go through His texts and ended up getting upset. Maximus had mentioned earlier in the week, when i brought up that i felt He was very distanced, that He was so exhausted that He wasn't even talking to Ms. W. Text messages showed otherwise. In addition, it also showed that after He was telling me goodnight each night, that He was too tired to stay up, that He spent time texting her. This upset me a lot. It felt like He had not been honest when He said He wasn't talking to her and i didn't like that she was the last person He was talking to each night. This made me cry. He hadn't realized He'd been doing that, didn't understand my feelings about it initially.

During our discussion, Maximus accidentally divulged that His biggest fear was that i was going to leave Him and that He would be old and alone the rest of His life, would die and no one would come to His funeral. This shocked me, because i was not leaving Him, was just discussing something that was bothering me, and that my concern was that He would die when i was away from Him and that i'd never know, no one would notify me. We both had the same fear, of the other person leaving. This was behind both of our curtains, never meant for the other to see.

Maximus asked if i would consider going to counseling together. i agreed wholeheartedly. i have always thought that if someone asked another person to go to couples counseling they should absolutely agree to do it. It takes a lot of courage to ask a partner to go to counseling and shows a huge willingness to work together on the relationship--how could you ever refuse someone that? It's not that we're having problems, it's that we both have a history of failed relationships, with two divorces each, and we want to give our lives together every chance to succeed. Shouldn't you go to couples counseling at the beginning of a relationship and learn how to best interact with each other instead of at the end when you are at each others throats and have damaged each other to the point of splitting up?

We had a lot of discussion about conflict. Maximus does not like conflict, i do not mind conflict, as long as it is constructive and not damaging. i would much rather communicate about issues rather than hold them in and pretend everything is fine, just to have them build up and explode later. He does understand this, and does appreciate the outcome, it's just not a process that He's completely comfortable with. Interestingly, it's new for Him, this level of communication in a relationship. i think counseling will help us do this better.

The resolution was great! That night i shared with Maximus that i felt uncomfortable about how i have dealt with His phone, that i feel i have been disrespectful in how i have gone about looking at His texts. He has given me carte blanche access to His email and phone, but i think going through His email or phone behind His back or under false pretenses without asking for permission is disrespectful to Him. He did not think it had been disrespectful, but understood that i felt this way and would have me ask Him on a case by case basis to see His email or phone if i had concerns. i also shared with Him some OCD history of mine which has made full access unbearable to me and how not having His new email password (changed from a recent potential hack) has been a complete relief. He was very shocked at my confession and appreciated knowing.

We spent the last night tromping around town, window shopping and browsing a very ecclectic area, holding hands, giggling, adoring each other. We talked and talked as we wandered. Maximus asked for my thoughts on some of His future contingencies and i started to wonder about how i fit into them. i actually started to realize that i really didn't have a clear vision of our future together, how He saw us and how we'd be together then. We settled into a wonderful bourbon bar we'd discovered on our last forray into town and i asked Him about His vision of us. It was an amazing, surprising conversation for me. And, He was surprised that i didn't know the vision. He didn't want to tell me at first, because His feelings for me are equivalent to being at that step in a traditional relationship where you want to marry someone--which is something we have discussed not wanting to do again, and our families are behind us on that as well. We were in the middle of this wonderful discussion when friends of mine surprizingly appeared and we joined them at a table together.

After a wonderful evening with friends, we headed back to the car, Maximus tipsy on flights of bourbon, and we started our discussion back up where we left off, both anxious to discuss it more. The discussion started well but when nearly home, in the middle of talking about us and our future, Maximus started talking about Ms. W out of the blue. i was crushed and in absolute disbelief. Suddenly Maximus stopped and said, "Why am i talking about Ms. W now?" and i replied, "i don't know and i can't answer that for You, but You do that all the time, every time we talk about us You bring her up." It was devastating for me. He kept asking why and it made me angry. i told Him to stop talking and that our conversation about our future was over for the night--He needed to answer His own question before we could ever talk about this again. He tried to keep talking and i finally exploded, "It's just completely insensitive when you bring her up all the time. IT'S FUCKING RUDE!" He blurted out, "That's it, I've figured it out, that's the answer! I've had an epiphany!" And it made me more upset because it was not the answer, it was merely the effect His actions had on me. He kept telling me it was the answer to His question. i told Him to stop talking to me and we drove the last five minutes home in silence, my heart shattered.

When we got into the house i turned to Him, "i have two things to say. First, You need to go to counseling and figure out why you can't talk about us without talking about Ms. W. Second, i'm not running away, but we cannot have a discussion about our future until you figure out the answer to number one." He then explained that His epiphany was that in His desire to be completely transparent about how He did not love Ms. W and that i was His sole, primary relationship, He'd constantly brought Ms. W up to remind me that His relationship with her was not at all a threat. He'd not realized how hurtful this has been to me, how it has contributed to my complete misunderstanding of their relationship and jealousy, and was utterly and completely rude. And then He exclaimed how happy and joyous He was about discovering that--i on the other hand was completely devastated. He recognized that in the process of His discovery i got completely burned. i'd never felt so crushed.

Maximus crawled into bed and begged me to come hold Him. i was upset because i wanted to be the one held, thought i deserved that. But i decided that i really just needed to love Maximus and went to Him and held Him. Before He drifted off to sleep, Maximus said, "you'll never find anyone as good as Me, who loves you like I do," and this just hurt me. i told Him not to say anything like that, that was what men say when they leave a relationship, a slap, not a nice thing. He apologized, not realizing it was hurtful. He fell asleep but i could not. i got up and sat on the stairs to think. After a bit i went down to eat some leftovers from dinner when suddenly Maximus burst down in a panic, having woken from a fit of anxiety, not knowing where He was and finding me gone, His worst fear.

He returned to bed and i followed shortly after. He asked me to hold Him and i simply requested that He hold me this time. He held me and we slept.

The next morning was difficult. i still felt crushed while Maximus felt relieved by figuring this out. He acknowledged that my burn wound was still hurting and would take some time to heal. He thanked me for incurring my injury to save Him, understanding that i hurt for it.

i was exhausted. i had more to talk about, had done some thinking during the night and realized that i needed something from Maximus. When Maximus gave me GOT, it was a gift, that we would Grow Old Together. But, it has made me feel a little bit like a foregone conclusion, an assumption. Not that i was running away or would say no, but i really wanted Maximus to ask me to spend the rest of my life with Him, and not as a marriage proposal, but as partners together in our lives. The statement in bed that night really made me realize that. i don't want it to be assumed that i won't find anyone better, i want it to be my choice that i go with Him, that He chose me and i chose Him, not an assumption for either of us. It took a bit of explaining as i was tired and not articulating well, but He understood. He assured me that He has had this planned, that i am not an assumption, that there will be a time and a place and He will ask.

and i will say yes. i'm not running.