Drained

i shouldn't feel drained, i should feel excited, but i'm drained. The last few weeks have taken more out of me than i realized, i guess. i had the mediation week with Maximus, learned of the death of a college friend, and then my grandmother got extremely ill and we've put her under hospice care. With that, Maximus' work has ramped up and he's been pounded with workforce reduction planning, reviews, and travel. We're both drained. We've not found ourselves simultaneously in low energy before and i'm not handling it gracefully.

We're still learning about each other. i've never seen energy-drained Maximus before, and it's through distance, so i'm not getting the whole picture. i only see changes in communication and then try to understand my feelings in response to the changes. my weakness is in automatically thinking that something's wrong with our relationship and that we're in trouble. Phone calls and Skype sessions have been shorter, Maximus has been multitasking during them, which makes me feel like i don't have His attention and that i'm interrupting Him. There've been fewer text messages and His responses are short, "Thanks," "Cool," "Nice," "OK" rather than answers. So i started to evaluate everything through that lens, that something's wrong and i'm bothering Him.

We started to talk on the phone last night after i posted Two Days, and during it, He mentioned that He was going to be busy working while i was there, which really put me off. i was at work and really couldn't talk about this, especially since i could feel myself getting emotional about it and really didn't need that at work, so we ended the call. i emailed and we texted about it, and Maximus assured me that what i was feeling was His low energy, the lowest He's ever been, and then decided, from our conversation, that He really needed a break for the night, that He was exhausted and it was effecting both of us. i felt bad, "Distracted You from Your plans tonight, i'm sorry," i wrote.

Maximus replied, "No. This is exactly what I needed. Picked up 5%. Sunlight from you baby."

i woke up even more drained, especially after an emotional work situation that night. i just couldn't shake my feeling. Maximus responded with love and pics to pick me up, but wasn't working. i emailed Him:

Here are things that make me feel the space between us. Yes, i am all around you. All the things i’ve given you were from my heart, made or selected just for you. Most of which, i know, are hidden away when i leave and come out of drawers so they look like they are always there when i arrive [Maximus and i are waiting to be open to His family about our relationship until after the final paperwork is done for His divorce, which should be within the next month or so. Therefore, my pictures are put up when His family arrives, for now.]. i don’t have things to surround myself with.

The majority of the time we’ve spent together has been when i’ve come up there. Yes, You’ve come down a few times, all but once was because there was a party to attend at M and S’s. This time you have a meeting here. i feel like you need some other reason to come down here, not just to see me or spend time together.  A month ago you suggested coming down for three weeks…when i brought that up last time, You rescinded that, acted like it was the biggest imposition for me to ask—i DIDN’T ASK, You said You wanted to do this. Now You have no interest in it.

We’ve talked about phone and Skype calls…they’re abrupt.

Texts have gotten very clipped. Most of the replies i get from you are “Thanks” “cool” “nice” “ok”. i feel like a moron for sending a text in the first place when i get responses like that.

i’ve traded a shift, taken a vacation day, turned down overtime, purchased a plane ticket to come see you the end of this week and weekend. You, on the other hand, will be working.

These don’t make me feel special. i feel like a fool. i feel like i’m wasting our time.

i feel Your interest lies elsewhere. i don’t exactly know where that is, but You found it sometime in the last few weeks.

Ok, so that's my point of view. He called on His way to the airport. Maximus was very patient with me. i had to read the email to Him as He was driving. He recognizes that i have been affected by His low energy, and because i have brought this to His attention the last two days, He's taken steps to rest and take care of Himself to build His energy back up. He was very cheerful and happy during our phone call, despite me being down. Unfortunately, i've taken His low energy very personally. We talked about the issues and how things have been situational and not how they are going to be forever.

"you inspire Me to be better," He texted when He got on the plane.

"i'm glad. i feel drained," i replied.

"I know. My job to recharge you."