It's Almost Christmas!

Hehe! It's almost OUR Christmas. It's been a week since we saw each other last...why does it feel so much longer than that?

Maximus will be down tomorrow night. Just being together is gift enough. i've been very patient, going crazy inside waiting to give Him His gifts!

Monday night we'll head to our friends' New Years Eve party. Maximus will be wearing His tux...be still my heart--and hands! i have a matching dress (this time i picked it out, due to a surprise) and incredible shoes that will blow His mind! The shoes are part of His Christmas present. So excited!

That's all for now!

Ho Ho Ho

and He He He!

Into a Dark Room

Something very exciting is in the plans...a dungeon room in my home! Well, more accurately, we will be outfitting a large walk-in closet with dungeon room supplies to turn my workout room into a dungeon room. i started the project today by removing everything from the closet, which wasn't much, a vacuum cleaner, carpet cleaner, antique baby bassinet, gift wrapping supplies, and installed a new door knob that locks with a key. It's all ready and waiting for Maximus to arrive so He can let me know what His vision will be for the room so i can proceed.

i have to say, the prospect of this has gotten me so turned on! i could hardly sleep last night with all these visions of tools and toys stored and hung in that closet, and imagining Maximus setting up the room for scenes. i could picture eye bolts in the ceiling and having Him bind and suspend me in the room, having His way with my body. And i had these rape/gangbang scenes play over and over in my mind, fantasizing being bound and used by Him and others He invited to share me with. i slept in this morning after a night of masterbation and tremendous orgasms!

i did some internet searching for dungeon room plans and found some interesting sites. Foxy Furniture has some awesome plans for BDSM furniture that you can hide in plain sight! I'm very interested in looking into making some of their stuff, the pedestal criss-cross, in particular. Also The Better Built Bondage Book site caught my eye. And i enjoyed reading the BDSM Circle's blog about building their dungeon room.

i can't wait!!! Maximus already has theme music for the first time we use our dungeon....Enjoy!

The Gift of gabriella

When Maximus and i made the decision to enter BDSM in a D/s relationship, we both felt it was very important for me to document our journey together. The initial reason was to have documentation of a realistic BDSM couple and perhaps write a book that was more accurate and true to the lifestyle than Fifty Shades of Grey. But we quickly learned how important my journaling was to US, how much we learned about each other and ourselves through the process of documenting our journey and my feelings.

It took some time and pondering for me to come up with a name for this blog, because i wanted it to reflect the philosophy of D/s, what it meant for me and us. i brainstormed what BDSM and D/s meant to me and when i wrote gift, i knew instantly that that word needed to be included in the name. So while writing a blog may reflect someone with "the gift of gab," someone who talks and chatters, "The Gift of gabriella" is a reflection of my gift to Maximus, the ultimate, vulnerable, trusting, complete surrendering of giving myself to Him.

To me, being a submissive is the ultimate gift. And when i say that, it's not a gift i've ever given to anyone before. i also can't imagine giving that to anyone else ever again. We had a rough month, Maximus and i, and at one point, i wasn't sure we were going to be able to continue--and at that time, i came to realize that if we didn't continue, i could not see myself giving this gift to anyone else. This gift is for Maximus, my only. There is something in us, something in us together that makes this gift possible.

But being a submissive is also the receipt of the ultimate gift. There is something remarkable in having someone learn your soul, mind, and body to such a point as to take you over an edge that you could not achieve alone. There is something remarkable to have someone trust you so much that they are willing to do things to you in such a vulnerable state.

This gift transcends BDSM, however. This gift we share permeates every part of our lives together, and apart. BDSM requires exquisite communication, trust, sharing, honesty, etc. to exist, and in turn, fills our entire relationship with exquisite communication, trust, sharing, honesty, etc. We are not perfect, and we will stumble, make mistakes, unintentionally hurt each other, but the gift we share helps us recover from that and in turn, grow.

Maximus, it is Christmas, and i love You. Not because it's Christmas or the closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new one in the book of our lives, but for the gifts You are and the gifts you allow me to share everyday and for the rest of our lives together. No box could ever contain it, no paper ever cover it, no ribbon ever beautiful enough to wrap the enormity of us. These gifts i shall cherish forever.

Reflection

Maximus asked if i would write about my observations/reflections of His past week i spent with Him. i found this to be a very profound request. While i want this to be a purely objective view, it cannot be, as the events of the past week touched me as well, and my love for Maximus makes me empathetic to anything that affects Him, so my observations are tainted with subjectivity.

Friday, the supposed End of the World, as the Mayan Calendar expired, was the date for the mediation step in the divorce process between Maximus and JB. i have NEVER been witness to such a contentious divorce process in my life--the stuff movies like The War of the Roses and Intolerable Cruelty have been modeled after. Let me correct that statement, because in those movies, BOTH parties were cruel and nasty, intentionally damaging each other, but this process dealt with constant mudslinging and attacks from JB. It took over a year to get to the mediation hearing. My observation is limited only to the past ten months--an overdue gestation period for certain. While it is true that my perspective is tainted by the fact that i never did like JB, am in love with Maximus, and had only the capability to observe from the vantage point of being His supporter, i honestly did not see Him ever participate in any nastiness or retaliation. He was heartbroken, devastated that this woman He loved and adored turned into someone He could not recognize and attacked Him with the sole intent to ruin Him emotionally and financially.

Maximus never let Himself rest during this period. He will deny this. His mind was always working on the most recent subpoena or demand. He was on military ready-reserve, simultaneously proactive and reactive. i've watched as this process has drained Him, watched Him pace, watched Him work to compartmentalize His life to complete everything to its usual state of perfection, despite of it all. i've listened to Him intently and patiently as He explained what was happening, often just gladly being a springboard for Him to think aloud. And my heart bled. There were a couple of times the last two months that i thought something horribly tragic had occurred, as He would be ashen, crestfallen, withdrawn. Most of the time though, He was manic, moving, cleaning, attacking work, workouts, legal demands with the fury and precision of a ninja fighting a band of simultaneous attackers.

He was ninja Maximus this week, most of the time. And i was so scared for Him because of it--i worried about the crash, the point of exhaustion that i knew would come, that He denied was inevitable. i made plans to come up for the week to help Him, not to help Him with the attack, but to take care of all the other things in His life, the house, cooking, errands, etc. so He could focus and the things He needed to do for mediation. He didn't need the added stress of everyday things and i also feared He'd not eat if food didn't magically appear in front of Him.

The unfortunate thing was, that right before i was set to come up, i attacked Him verbally, emotionally, mentally. He had no fight left. It was awful and caused Him to pull back from me, to protect Himself, to keep His focus on the task at hand. i didn't know if i should proceed with my plan to come up, afraid i was now a distraction rather than an asset, but during a conversation it was apparent that He thought i was still coming up, so after thought, i decided to continue with the plan. He did, however, ask The Englishman to stay because He really didn't know what to expect from me. i appreciate that He did that, truly.

We fucked when i got there. It was a release for us both, for many different reasons, but did not dissipate the tension we both felt. Neither of us wanted to deal with our interpersonal tension this week and prior to me coming up, had agreed to table any discussion about it until after mediation. We went to the pool and swam, but for the first time since i've known Him, Maximus did not finish His planned workout. His attorney was panicking as JB's attorney had demanded more information; His attorney was behind due to another trial that had gone over two days and prevented her from preparing everything for Maximus' case. Maximus had given His attorney notice that He'd be unavailable for an hour for His swim, had a set distance planned, but He was distracted, i could tell, and i found Him standing in the end of the pool about 40 minutes into the workout. i asked Him if He was ok, if He was done and He told me He was fine and had another 200 laps to go--200 laps?!? How could He have that many left? i realized He could not even compute His workout, which for an All-American, nationally ranked master swimmer, was a sure sign of struggle. i found Him standing in the end of the pool again five minutes later and He was done.

A bevy of panicked emails awaited Him. He spent the afternoon sending information to His attorney, working to calm her down. He came out of His office occasionally to update us on the situation, to think aloud. i went in occasionally to check on Him, give Him a hug or a kiss, and followed any request He had, including blowjobs, sex, exposing my body, whatever He wanted as a stress relief. The Englishman and i made dinner, spent a lot of time talking and bonding. Maximus ate and returned to His work for the rest of the evening. The Englishman and i ended up fucking after dinner, much to Maximus' delight, as He'd been trying to orchestrate this through the afternoon and dinner--He enjoys hearing me with others, and it seemed to provide some relief for Him to hear us fucking. i came down every once and a while so He could touch, taste, fuck me, which He delighted in.

The Englishman was "knackered" and passed out! i returned downstairs because i could hear Maximus working on dishes we'd abandoned, and i absolutely did not want Him working on household things whatsoever. He sat on the couch with a bourbon and we retired upstairs when i was done. We fucked and for the first time, due to sex talk we were having about denial as a component of D/s, i began to deny my own orgasm as a denial to Him, pushed Him away, bit His fingers hard, and we had some sex fuck-fighting, which He kept saying was so hot! as we were doing it. When we were done and laying there, getting ready to go to sleep, i needed to ask Him a question about a text i'd read on His phone...seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!?  i told Him all i needed was an answer to the context of the text and that i didn't want to discuss the whole jealousy mess, but it ended up being a two and a half hour conversation. i told Him many times that i wanted Him to stop and table this so He could sleep, but He insisted that He needed to get stuff out and was NOT going to stop and go to sleep. It turned out to be one of the most important conversations of our relationship (see The Gift of Gabbing).

The next morning Maximus left early to go swim with Swim Guy, one of His best friends. i had decided to talk with The Englishman, per Maximus' recommendation, to get some perspective about His relationship with Ms. W and i also wanted to clear the air about my meltdown that he'd overheard. We walked for hours in the rain and it helped me beyond belief. When we returned, Maximus came out of the office and updated us on the morning's events--JB's attorney had sent over her demands--including over a million dollar settlement request! The demands were unbelievable, incomprehensible. His attorney was spiraling. i was beyond terrified. i listened as he calmly listed everything, breaking down inside, not wanting to show Him i was scared. i could see He was in a state of disbelief, shaking His head and chuckling at the list. When He went back into His office, i took laundry upstairs to His bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. i realized i needed to be strong for Him and worried when His breaking point would be.

i headed out to get groceries. i didn't want to cook, but i needed to get out and allow myself time to get the worry out and recompose myself away from Him. Thank god i did, for when i returned, Maximus greeted me in a state of pallor, nearly disoriented, to the point of almost babbling. i went outside in the rain with Him as He filled bird feeders and talked incessantly, all over the board, difficult to follow, obviously thinking aloud. i let myself be His tree trunk, sounding board, safe room. He had to go to His attorney's office to strategize--we went into His office, shut the door, He sat on a leather ottoman and He brought out His cock. i pushed Him back onto the couch, straddled Him, fucked Him, squirted all down His legs and puddled the floor, giving myself to pleasuring Him and let Him lay there and be pleased. It was necessary, He needed someone to take care of Him, He needed a release, He needed something to give Him energy and restore His mind and soul. He regained His strength, resolve, and color by the time He left.

He returned four and a half hours later. He described His attorney's panic and His calm. She was screaming and yelling and He finally told her to calm down, that they had everything and that He was the most well-prepared client she'd ever had. It shook her, she realized He was right, and she apologized. He discussed their strategy and feeling that mediation was going to fail and they'd end up in court. Maximus ate and then decided to show The Englishman about spanking, flogging, and cropping. The Englishman was in utter disbelief that i was submissive, so Maximus wanted to share how, in fact, i was. Maximus dressed me in heels and a santa claus hat, laid me over the dining table and they both worked on me. There was ice, nipple clamps, photographs taken, and it was wonderful. He delighted in sharing this with The Englishman. It was a short session, as Maximus had more work to complete, and i went up with The Englishman to fuck Him as He was very aroused.

The Englishman passed out and i returned downstairs to clean up after our dinner. Maximus concluded His work and we went upstairs to go to bed. i was fully expecting to go to bed and sleep as He had His mediation in the morning and hadn't slept well all week. Maximus rolled over and we made love. i curled into His arm afterward and He rubbed my shoulder and yawned, "Ok, time to sleep," and two minutes later became completely animated and chatty. He talked for hours, literally hours all about past relationships. i couldn't get Him to stop, He didn't want to, and i learned immense amounts about Him--all important, wonderful stuff. i don't know where this came from, but He needed a catharsis, i think. He finally rolled over and fucked me and we went to sleep.

Mediation morning, He left early to swim with Swim Guy. He told me He'd text me to update me during the day and i told Him i would not be texting Him, only responding to His texts, because i didn't want to bother Him at all. The Englishman left and i busied myself with projects and swim workout. i heard from Him right before the start and after the mediator left the first time, and learned He felt good about her, but then nothing the rest of the afternoon. By 5:30PM, i started to think they might possibly be getting close to a deal since if things were at a standstill, they would have certainly concluded the mediation as it was the Friday before Christmas. i put on music, specifically, Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which for some reason is a song i need sometimes to flush out all thoughts and chill. i set it on repeat, turned up the volume, walked around the house singing the words, trying to stop worrying. Halfway through the first repeat, i got a text from Maximus, "Done. Writing it up !!!" i burst into tears of relief. i had been so worried that He had another month of this terrorism ahead. i was profoundly relieved that this chapter of His life was closing and He'd be finally able to move on and live His life without the daily assault. And i realized that i had never really known Him without this--not known Him without being occupied with details of a drawn-out divorce and the trauma that comes with it.

i worried about what to do next. i knew that while this was momentous, it really wasn't cause for high celebration. i've been divorced twice and settling, signing, finalizing a divorce, while a relief, marks the true end of a marriage, something you entered into full of joy and lifelong expectation. i was concerned about what i should wear, what music to play, the mood. And i also thought i shouldn't be there. my concern was that i'd only been in Maximus' life for several months and He had family and friends who have been in His life for years, supported Him, and needed to be able to show their support now. He gets energy from people, and everyone knows that. He was going to feel pressure that i was there, feeling He needed to come home instead of sharing this moment with those important people who need to share in this with Him--particularly His kids, who needed closure too. i felt like i was robbing them of His time. He called me to tell me all about His day and the mediation process and confirmed what i had been thinking, that everyone wanted Him to come over. His son, in fact, wanted the two of them to fly to Las Vegas that night. i told Him that He should do that, honestly. He said, no, that while He was very tempted, it wasn't the right thing. He was, however, going to go to one of His daughters' homes and share a celebratory drink with her and another daughter and their families--which i encouraged. i did share that i didn't want to prevent Him from doing what He wanted to do, that i knew people knew He got energy from people and that He'd worry everyone by telling them He was just going to go home.

He returned home much quicker than i expected. i asked Him what He wanted, what He needed, if the music was appropriate...and He said, "you're overthinking this, don't overthink this." But, honestly, i was waiting for the crash. He got a bottle of champagne and we sat on the couch as He explained what had happened. JB went ballistic on the mediator, made a fool out of herself, screamed and yelled, and lost the case. Maximus was calm, cool, collected, organized. The mediator spent all day with JB, Maximus spent the day on work stuff. We toasted the closing of a chapter. He went upstairs for something and i noticed that He stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked around for a moment before continuing. i figured it was finally sinking in that He'd not lost His home, that this was still His.

And then i had a toast. i toasted that we have had a wonderful time together so far, it really was wonderful, and that i realized that we had never been together without the divorce process, and i was looking forward to how much more wonderful it will be without that being a distraction. Maximus' face screwed up, He covered His face, and a sob broke through His fingers that He was going to get emotional. And i began to cry. He was finally able to be emotional about my outburst and it pained me. i love Him for His honesty, "I just don't understand how you could do something so stupid and go batshit crazy when I love you so much." i just let Him continue. He did not berate me or belittle me, but shared His hurt and concern. We shared some very deep seated, heartfelt, honest things. We sobbed together. i shared that i brought His main Christmas present with me because i had expected to be asked to leave when i arrived and wanted Him to have it--that pained Him. And i shared that my meltdown had been based on false assumptions. i hadn't wanted to talk about it until after mediation, and certainly not tonight, but it needed to be said. i told Him that i was afraid He wasn't going to believe me, but that after we'd talked and after talking to The Englishman, i had come to peace with Ms. W. and that i was lifting my restriction about sleeping together, because i truly understood the dynamic. He was in utter shock, thanked me, and we sobbed in each others arms...until He shoved a finger in each of my nostrils to break our tension! "you're stuck with Me, you do realize that don't you?" He said. And i do realize that.

We went to bed, despite Maximus' attempts to watch a movie (He could not stay awake, though He denied He was sleeping). i thought we would just sleep, but we ended up rubbing and stroking, telling each other we were going to sleep. We dozed off and i awoke stroking Him, which got Him aroused. i wanted to please Him unconditionally, didn't want Him to please me back. For some reason, probably because of champagne and bourbon, i decided i would restrain Him using the bed restraints hidden under the mattress. He mocked and cooed as i did this. And He would NOT be quiet--He babbled and mocked incessantly. This irritated me so i got the crop and floggers and decided to show some dominance to quiet Him, which only set Him off more. i shoved a flogger handle into His mouth and started again. After a few minutes, i could hear that His babbling had changed into a sort of cry. He was saying over and over, "I just love her so much, all I want to do is hold her, all I want to do is hold her." It was horrible! i have never felt so horrible and quickly went to His face and reassured Him, told Him i was releasing Him and that i was so sorry. i released Him and held Him as He fell asleep. i regret doing this and will always remember not to pursue BDSM while impaired.

i woke up early the next morning. i just couldn't get back to sleep. i tossed and turned and ended up waking Maximus. Finally, after He fell back to sleep, i just got up. i made coffee and did some computer work. After about an hour i heard Maximus call downstairs from bed, "baby, are you ok?" i reassured Him i was fine, was just awake at my normal hour. He called down about 20 minutes later, "Please come cuddle with Me. I had a dream about you and rolled over to hold you and you weren't there." He'd dreamed we were laying on a beach, simply that, laying on a beach. We laid in bed and held each other. i apologized for the night before. We made love. He shared with me that the night before, while walking up the stairs, He'd realized, "This is really not a time to celebrate." i agreed. i shared with Him that my thoughts about that and how what He thought was me "overthinking things" was my realization of that. He said appreciated that now, that He'd not realized that then.

He had plans to go swimming with Swim Guy. He asked what i wanted to do, suggesting i could go with them. i appreciated that, but i really wanted Him to be able to be alone with Swim Guy to talk about yesterday. i decided to go run instead. He told me, "I have plans for something when I get back, something romantic. Something before you go home today." i inquired what i should wear, and He told me to dress warmly and told me we were going to a lodge near a waterfall. We went down, had some coffee and yogurt, played briefly on the leather ottoman in His office to replay a little bit of the scene before He met with His attorney, and then He headed out.

i packed and went for my run. The run gave me a chance to think about something He asked me the night before, something i was absolutely not prepared to answer when He asked. He asked me for feedback on when i thought He should tell His kids about me. His kids are all adults and they've picked up on the fact that He has someone in His life, but He's not shared this with them. i've insisted that it wasn't appropriate until after His divorce was final, and He agreed and honored that. When He inquired, He'd made a mention about possibly waiting six months. That seemed too long for me. i sorted my thoughts during my run.

It took much longer for Maximus to return than i expected. i figured that He had a lot to tell Swim Guy and just relaxed about it. It gave me a chance to pack up everything into my car, remake the bed, etc. i was on the couch with my laptop when He walked in, and He looked horrible! i thought something tragic had happened. "What's wrong?!?" i gasped. "I bonked." He quietly replied, and collapsed onto the couch onto my lap. He finally crashed, the thing i knew was coming. He'd lost it in the pool, got dizzy, unable to swim. Swim Guy helped Him out of the pool, helped Him get back together, and they went to breakfast instead. i stroked His hair and face while He laid back against me, wrapping my legs against Himself with His arms. i reassured Him that i loved Him, had been watching for this, knowing He was going to crash at some point, despite all His efforts not to, and that He was wonderful and safe. He insisted that He was going to continue with His romantic plans, just needed about twenty minutes' nap--He napped in my arms and i've never loved Him more.

We went on our date. During the drive i shared my thoughts on telling His kids and we had a wonderful discussion about that. He took me to a beautiful lodge with an attic lounge and we got a table against a wall of windows overlooking the falls. It was magnificent. We ordered wine and lunch, and when the wine came, He toasted me and thanked me for supporting Him, not for this week, but for the entire time we'd been together. He shared how much that meant and how amazing it was that we have come through this week stronger for what happened with my meltdown. i realized He hadn't thought that would happen. And He shared, "We are going to have an amazing life together." We walked along the overlook trail for the falls, held hands, talked, loved each other. It was an amazing thing, and amazing start.

i drove home, leaving Maximus to sleep and regain Himself from His crash. And i realized, for the first time, i was driving home in complete calm, complete peace. There was no static, no underlying worry about attorneys, divorces, jealousy, just love. i still feel this today. We are just beginning.

It's Not the End of the World

Perpetual Clock, Prague, Czech Republic

Despite all the hype--the world did not end yesterday with the end of the Mayan Calendar. It does, however, find me reflecting on the concept of endings and beginnings. What is it about endings that tends to bring on such fear and hype? And i don't mean the end of the Mayan Calendar, but any ending, all those conclusions, terminations, halts... We fear endings, it represents the unknown, even if an ending is a good thing. It means having to make a conscious effort for something different, a change in our routine. We long for consistency, we revere it to religious magnitude in "worlds without end, Amen."

But endings are such gifts! The Japanese word, kaizen, embraces this in its definition as change for the better. We need change, fresh starts, new outlooks, brand new experiences. Athough change is often hard, painful, makes us mourn, breaks our hearts, an ending should be an anticipation for something new, an opportunity for growth, room for the next thing, appreciation for what was and what can become.

We can't live in fear of change. Its not appropriate to cocoon ourselves in bubbles of isolation to avoid endings...for have we really lived if we do? We should never resist beginnings for fear of the ending. This is my takeaway for today. Breathe, laugh, dance, love, live...fearlessly.

First Hello, Last Goodbye - Roger Whitaker

They say when you gain a lover
You begin to lose a friend
That the end of the beginning's
The beginning of the end
They say the moment that you're born
Is when you start to die
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

We know each summer's coming
Means the winter's waiting there
And gold would not be precious
If we all had gold to spare
You only know how low is low
The first time that you fly
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

If I could live forever
It is certain I could never
Know another single second so sublime
That moment of our meeting
When our hands first touched in greeting
How I wanted to hold back the hands of time

When they begin the overture
They start to end the show
When you said "I'll never leave you,"
Then I knew that you would go
The sound of all our laughter
Is now echoed in a sigh
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

If I could live forever
It is certain I could never know
Another single second so sublime
That moment of our meeting
When our hands first touched in greeting
How I wanted to hold back the hands of time (hands of time)

When they begin the overture
They start to end the show
When you said "I'll never leave you,"
Then I knew that you would go
The sound of all our laughter
Is now echoed in a sigh
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

The Necessity of Gabbing

Gabbing, talking, sharing, conversing, COMMUNICATING...there are few things more important than that in any relationship. Invaluable. Priceless. Critical.

i came up to Maximus' yesterday, not for the purpose of dealing with my batshit outburst, but as part of a previously planned trip to support Him during a difficult time, his divorce mediation the end of this week. i was pretty terrified about coming up. i actually imagined that i'd walk in and find Maximus and The Englishman sitting in His living room waiting and asking me to leave when i walked in. They weren't, they didn't.

This wasn't the time to talk about what happened or my jealousy. But we ended up talking about it anyway. And i think we are both relieved about it. It took hours, in bed, late. It was time and energy Maximus didn't have in reserve to spend, yet He did, despite my pleas for Him to stop and sleep. It wasn't that i was refusing to talk about it, i didn't want to again be a distraction and i wanted Him to get some rest.

It's not the final talk, but it cut a ton of tension, and we had some epiphanies. First, Maximus could not understand why i could not see how different He was with me than He was with Ms. W since everyone else could see that. i can't see that, it's not possible as i am never around when He's with her, while those people are. In the absence of that, my fear made up a ridiculously inflated false reality of who they are together. Second, during the course of the conversation, Maximus was discussing something and mentioned, if not for the affair of JB and Covert Ops, Ms. W would have been someone He would have met and not seen again, that she is not someone He would have pursued a relationship with. The situation of the affair, impending divorces, and shared experience have brought them into a friendship of support. It never was a love interest. i did not know this, never realized this.

As the old saying goes, "Assume makes an Ass out of u and me." i'm not going to blame this on either one of us making assumptions--but it illustrates the importance of communicating, asking, listening, and not making up realities out of incomplete information. We have more to work on, i have more to work on. While i feel relieved and it makes me want to think the jealousy is gone, i will be realistic and agree with Maximus that we have work to do on my feelings of jealousy. And while i'm embarrassed to have the man i love point that out to me, i am deeply moved by His concern and commitment to this internal issue of mine, especially since it reared its ugly head so explosively toward Him. I think most men, most people, would put up walls and expect the person feeling the emotion to deal with it independently, as if to say, come see me when you've got this thing of yours figured out. i hold a great deal of gratitude and indebtedness that Maximus is wanting to help me with this. Don't get me wrong, this is my issue that i have to ultimately deal with, but it is helpful to have someone there supporting me while i do it.

Help from One Ethical Slut to Another

i'm learning more about myself through this process. Most of it i love, some of it, i'm unhappy to see. And that's ok, this needs to be an honest process and so necessary for us. i'm not perfect, have never professed to be, but i don't like disappointing anyone, myself, or someone i love.

As i've written about over and over, i have had trouble understanding where i fit in with Ms. W. This has brought conflict several times and in increasing frequency. The weekend before last, Maximus noted that it was going to continue to be an area of conflict for us. i've insisted that i was not jealous and He said that He thought i was initially, but had come to realize that i was not, through my insistence.

i'm NOT dwelling on things, i'm moving forward! Today, as part of my self-directed journey to figure this out and to prevent ever again having a blow-up such as i had Sunday, i decided to reference a book i read a year ago, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. I found this book extremely insightful a year ago when considering my future in relationships. In fact, after Maximus and i met, i shared the book with Him because i thought it could be helpful for Him as well, as we'd had many conversations similar to the issues discussed in the book.

i remembered that there had been an entire chapter on jealousy and thought perhaps i needed to read it again. i have never considered myself a jealous person and have insisted that i have not been jealous, but after reading this chapter, i really need to own up to the fact that i, gabriella, have been jealous. i don't like it at all. it feels like a personality failure. But i really need to own this and learn how to deal with it so i never blow up again.

"Let jealousy be your teacher. Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. It can be your guide into into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization. Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it." Deborah Anapol, Love Without Limits

Easton and Hardy advise "Once we are willing to confront the feeling of jealousy rather than run away from it, we can see more clearly what jealousy truly is for each of us...[it] may be an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate." They look at the roots of jealousy, from grief and loss, competitiveness and a desire to be number one, etc. i think the latter is true for me, so much so that it is written into our BDSM contract that we are each others primary relationship--i made sure that was in there. i think that my fear is that by Maximus sleeping with Ms. W., i lose my edge, that she is somehow diminishing my position with Him. It is the ultimate intimate thing, sleeping with someone, we have agreed that. i am jealous that Maximus desires to have that with her despite me agreeing, without exception, to not ever sleep with anyone else. It causes me great fear and insecurity.

Ok, i admit it, i'm jealous, but how do i fix this?

"So reassure yourself: there is no graceful way to unlearn jealousy. It's kind of like learning to skate- you have to fall down and make a fool of yourself a few times before you become as graceful as a swan."

So i've got the making a fool of myself down. The challenge, is restoring my internal security, not dependent upon Maximus' love. This is not new for me. This is the thing i know about and fear, the boundary issue i have with love that i shared with Maximus (see the section on the permeable membrane in Becoming gabriella). Since my divorce, my personal power has been from me, from within, i fell in love with me. i need to remember to continue this despite being in love with Maximus, and not let His love for me be my validation--He doesn't want this, He wants the strong, self-validated woman He met and fell in love with. Part of this is owning my shit, and the other is recognizing that i cannot do things or agree to things solely because i don't want to disappoint Him. During my meltdown, i screamed, "i said i'd never do this, that i'd never lie to myself!" This is what i felt like, as if i had made decisions against myself, and it felt untrue. Maximus asked if i had been lying to Him. i hadn't lied, would never lie, but i had disregarded my needs, not communicated my fears, and went ahead with an agreement that i thought i would learn to live with. i could not take it anymore and exploded--how could i be surprised? It's not fair to me or Maximus for me to do this.

"Jealousy is not a cancer that you can cut out. It is a part of you, a way that you express fear and hurt. What you can do is change the way you experience jealousy, learn to deal with it as you learn to deal with-any emotion-until it becomes, not overwhelming and not exactly pleasant, but tolerable: a mild disturbance, like a rainy day rather than a typhoon."

What do i need to do to change how i experience jealousy?

• Acknowledge it. And don't take it as a personality failure.

"It is particularly important that you own your jealousy, to yourself and to your intimates. If you try to pretend that you are not jealous when you are, others will perceive you as dishonest, or worse yet, they may believe you, and see no need to support or protect you because you're fine, right? If you pretend to yourself that you are not jealous when you are, then your own emotions may try devious routes to bring themselves to your attention, which can generate intensely irrational feelings and behavior, temper tantrums and hissy fits, or perhaps even make you physically ill." 

"When you deny jealousy, or any other difficult emotion, you put yourself in a harsh and difficult landscape, full of pitfalls and land mines. "Acting out" means doing things you dont understand, driven by emotions you have refused to be aware of- and denying your jealousy can lead you to act out harsh feelings in ways you will regret later." 

• Remember that it is my job to get my needs met.

• Allow myself to feel it, but refuse to act on it. Yes, it is how you feel, but don't give it power.

"Just feel it. It will hurt, and you will feel frightened and confused, but if you sit still, and listen to yourself with compassion and support for the scared child inside, the first thing you will learn is that the experience of jealousy is survivable. You have the strength to get through it."

"By actively choosing to experience a painful feeling like jealousy, you are already starting to reduce its power over you. First, you decide that you will not allow your jealousy to make you run screaming over the horizon. And so you exercise your first form of control over jealousy. I will hold steady and stay with myself and my feelings."

• Be good to myself. Keep my virtues at their full value and cherish them.

"...remember that the most important part of love is not the love, however wonderful, that you or another can have for your beauty and strength and virtue. The real test of love is when a person- including you- can know your weaknesses, your stupidities and your smallnesses, and still love you."

"Give yourself permission to take good care of yourself while you learn

to work through jealousy...nurture yourself. Give yourself permission to take the best possible care of yourself. You deserve it."

•   Cry. Let it out.

"The images you see in your mind are the perfect reflection of your own fears. One way to come to terms with your fears is to acknowledge them: "Yes, I'm afraid of that." You can take it even further, and work through the fears by envisioning the worst possible scenario that you can imagine. Go ahead, wallow in it.Elaborate it until it becomes ridiculous." 

• Write about it without blaming anyone, including myself.

"It is okay to cover pages of your journal with FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS! in bright red ink...Try writing down your stream of consciousness, which means whatever you find in your head whether or not it makes sense, and see what you get.Treasures, jewels of self knowledge are often found here."

"Make a list of everything you value about your relationship, and put it aside for a rainy day. Be an optimist, turn your mind to the positive end of things. Value what you have, and what you get from your partner; the time, attention and love that he shares with you, the good stuff that fills your cup. Avoid being the pessimist who focuses on what is not there, the energy that goes somewhere else. That energy is not subtracted from what you get- relationships are not balanced like checkbooks. So when you are feeling deprived, remember all the good stuff you get from your partnership."

• Breathe.

• Communicate effectively. Own it.

"When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves vulnerable in a very profound way. When our partners respond with respect, listen to us, validate our feelings, support and reassure us, we feel better taken care of than we would have if no difficulty had arisen in the first place. So we strongly recommend that you and your partners give each other the profoundly bonding experience of sharing your vulnerabilities. We are all human, we are all vulnerable, and we all need validation."

i will use these strategies. i have to. i cannot go through what happened ever again, not for us, not for me. This was devastating and tore my own heart out. Its disappointing to realize i'm jealous, but i am and i need to acknowledge that. i never thought i'd be jealous, ever, and part of the disappointment is being wrong. i do feel better acknowledging it.

"So when you get this far, congratulate yourself. Celebrate your successes: write "I am a genius!" two hundred times with lots of bright colors."

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Horrid

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
She was horrid! 

i feel miserable. Maximus is right, He could never punish me as i punish myself.

i've been horrid. Just like the nursery rhyme.

i went off on Maximus. Completely unprovoked and unfairly. i yelled and carried on, swore, cried, stormed out, hung up, screamed. i did this exactly when He needed it the least, as if He needed it at all, but my timing couldn't have been worse. i am mortified by my actions.

And yet He still loves me, even when i'm having trouble loving myself right now.

i don't know why i tried to ruin it. i don't have reasons or excuses. i don't know why i got so wrapped up in emotions and let them carry me to such a dark place. i don't know why i lashed out on someone who loves and cares and desires me, and someone who needs me to be strong and supportive right now. He hasn't asked for anything but my heart and trust, and gives me the world in return.

i am so sorry.

And i love you. Thank you for forgiving me.

Living Vicariously through Him

i'm so excited! It's like i have a date, but i don't...Maximus does and living vicariously through Him has got me so turned on!

Maximus is meeting with E & e tonight, the BDSM couple we met together for a meet and greet a month ago when i was up at His home. Our meeting went great and we've been wanting to get together, but our schedules didn't mesh. Tonight, however, worked for the three of them and i encouraged them to get together. And i'm soooo excited!

Maximus had some concerns last week about it. He mentioned during our Skype call after the Dom text that i wrote about in Humor, the Double-edged Sword, that He was thinking about excusing Himself after having dinner with them, making an excuse that The Englishman was staying at His home and needed to attend to His guest. This was a radical change for Him, as we've been talking about His date with E & e for weeks, and both of us have been excited about it. It was late, it'd been a hard evening, so i didn't pressure Him to talk about it. i did send Him a little email later, though, to check with Him and reassure Him.

So some thoughts on what You said about getting together with E & e….because, well, You know, thoughts are what i do…

my thought is that You are concerned about getting together with them after me getting upset about the Dom text yesterday. Being with E & e is not the same thing. E is her Dom. You are being invited in to help him with a scene. You will be participating (of course!!) but you are not becoming her dom nor are you becoming E's sub. You would be most certainly doing things that are BDSM, but you are not becoming her dom. Clear distinction.

This is the eggshells concern...You not doing something You would normally do based on a recent conflict that is not related to or the same as this event at all. Misapplication of learning…

i would love for You to go. i think You, and W/we, could learn some things from them, and particularly when You are there solo. i find it exciting to learn from You what You learned from them. And they’ve made arrangements and plans to be with You.

i will never force You to do anything You weren’t comfortable with. i don’t want the reason for backing out to be because You are concerned it will upset me, when i’m clearly stating it will not. i have fantasized about it all day. Now if You get there and it’s scary and You want to leave, by all means, run! i promise you, if I had 1/10,000,000^th of an inkling of concern about You going i would tell you—and i think You know by now that i WOULD (and whatever warped analysis i’d twisted it into)!

i appreciate that You want me with You. Everything is more special when W/we share it together. But i cannot be there. i want You to be able to continue to play solo, as i have, and it does not diminish what W/we have together. If You decide to go and have a great time, W/we will most certainly spend time together with them when my schedule allows.

i love you

GOT

g

Maximus wrote back the next morning and thanked me for the email. We spoke later and He shared that it wasn't necessarily the exchange about the Dom text that was concerning Him, it was an issue with JB and the upcoming divorce proceedings that had rattled Him that had decreased His desire to play separately with E & e. However, after my email and some time to reflect, He wanted to keep His date with them--AND i'm SO HAPPY FOR IT!

Hopefully i'm not putting too much into this date between the three of them, but it is exciting that He will have some time with another BDSM couple in D/s that have been involved in this for quite some time. i am excited to learn from them, excited for Maximus to learn some things, see how another D/s couple interacts, and be able to do that without me there so He can show me things as His, incorporate them into our play, and not feel like i've watched Him be trained. It's almost hard for me to explain. But i think that's the crux of it, i want Maximus to have an opportunity to get some Dom training without me seeing Him get training. i think He's wonderful and perfect, don't get me wrong--we're both new and don't know what we don't know sometimes.

And i can't wait for the phone call tonight where He tells me all about it...We've done that before, shared post-date details with each other by phone immediately afterward and it is HOT HOT HOT! That was before D/s, so it will be interesting what spin and parameters He puts on me while He tells me about it--as i usually masterbate and have great orgasms while He tells me the stories.

i'll share details tomorrow.

GOT

Maximus created something in His heart for us months and months ago to describe to me His intensions, His feelings, His committment, and that is GOT. i think i've mentioned GOT in several posts but had never described it, feeling it was too personal to share outside the two of us, but i need to describe it now for this post.

GOT is "Growing Old Together." It is a shared vision of ours, from Maximus' heart to mine, that is the answer to any question i may ever have--when i remember to answer my questions with it. And you may remember that i struggled with GOT initially, especially in Fight #1 of the Battling it Out post. i've not had anyone ever promise to stay until the end actually stay to the end, so this takes a lot for me. i trust Maximus with all my heart, and i do believe Him, i just have flashes of things from previous relationships that cause me worry--and they're things about me and my personality that make me question His ability to stay with me, not the other way around. i'm not easy and i know that.

My last post, Humor, the Double-edged Sword, ended with that. i've been sick, Maximus has been traveling, i'm feeling off-sorts all over. He sent me an email to tell me what a nice job i'd done on my blog post and that He knew it was difficult to write. All i could focus on was that He didn't mention all the questions at the end as i had sent myself reeling with them. He texted later and i told Him i was having a hard time after writing the blog, that it brought more questions than answers. He replied, "Easy answer for me. GOT."

But i feel i'm going to destroy this wonderful thing we have. "I'm just having a hard time worried that you've picked me and i'm bad news."

"Funny. You are not able to do that. Funny. If you fully understand GOT and you do, then its not possible. So so easy to answer. GOT. Explain that. That is my answer." He replied

There were some other exchanges of mine, trying to justify my concerns, which ended with His text, "So no more thinking you are going to mess this up. I'm going to write above your ass GOT."

"GOT" was my answer. To which He responded, "Perfect and only answer."

He Skyped later and we talked more. Well, He talked to me about how adorable He finds it that an highly educated, intelligent, beautiful woman could over-analyze herself into Analysis Paralysis. He does understand my history and understands how things can flash us back to past hurtful memories, but they are just that, past hurtful memories and not now. And He's right, at no time in my past have i had a relationship like this, fully trusting with such complete and honest communication that has no recoil. None of our conversations, none of our fears have ever been used as ammunition as they have in previous relationships--this is not previous or past, this is now, this is GOT.

Again, a posting from Tarq from Whips, Chains, & Duct Tape

A True Master will fight for his submissive. He will not give up on her. He will seek her face to fill his day with happiness. When she falls in the darkest times of her life, He will go anywhere needed to bring her back--He wouldn't care how much it will take, but He will get his girl back no matter what. If she is lost ...He will guide her through the darkness. If she is in danger He will be her bodyguard. If she is sad...He will be her smiles that adorn her lips. If she is happy...He will be sharing the joy with her. When she loses her faith…He will be her bible that she can hold into.  If she lost her trust on the world…He will be her world. His eyes will show how determined He is, His spirit is not going to be defeated. Giving up on her is not even an option, she is going to be cherished, protected, disciplined, guided, and loved. No matter the obstacles along the way, no matter the people that will try to destroy what they have, no matter how life is pushing back…everything will be shattered on the strength of His willpower and His strong heart that will look to the whole world in the eye and say “I will stand by My girl and will be there for her no matter what.”

Maximus is a True Master. my GOT. my answer.

Humor, the Double-edged Sword

It's been a very emotional week, full of highs and lows, and yes, some conflict. While i know i've said that healthy conflict is good, that it causes people to learn and grow, i'm feeling weary of it today. It's probably due to being sick with tonsillitis, i'm exhausted.

Maximus came down this weekend, which was wonderful. We had a marvelous time! i haven't blogged about that yet because i've been too tired to write, and now we've had some conflict and i need to write about that too. So i'm going to write about the conflict first and get it out of my system.

Last night Maximus had a dinner date with Lele--totally cool. He and Lele have been friends for years, played together with their respective spouses. Lele has been a great friend to Maximus during His divorce and He to her with some relationship issues she's been having. They've not slept together for some time. She has, however, used His house to be with lovers when He was away. He and Lele have been talking about throwing a play party at Maximus' house.

During dinner, i got a text from Maximus that as He predicted, Lele had decided to leave her husband. He added, "she is also getting into BDSM, too funny. I told her about you. She's in the bathroom so will talk more later." It was really so nice to hear from Maximus that He'd told Lele about me, as our relationship has been under wraps until recently due to divorce issues. i looked forward to hearing from Him later.

He texted again asking about the availability of two weekends in January for the play party. We settled on a date and exchanged my contact info with Lele so we could chat. When they were done, He texted that He had some errands to run but "lots to share" and would call me as soon as He was done running around.

An hour later, i got a picture text of something black on white marble that i couldn't recognize that said simply, "trophy."

 i replied, "Don't understand."

Maximus wrote back, "No sex but I got her underwear. Dom move. hehe."

i felt my blood instantly drain. Dom move?!? She tells Him at dinner she's into BDSM and He's now Domming her?!? This violates one of the first rules in our contract--i am His only sub!

"YOU ARE NOT HER DOM," i texted back furiously. i had inquired where that picture was taken and He'd replied, Crate and Barrel.

"Yes, my bad. Wrong very wrong term. Will explain in the car in a few mins. My poor attempt at humor." Maximus replied.

"YOU BET IT WAS. It's not funny and never will be. Do you get it," i answered.

Maximus returned, "Yes, very poor humor. So so wrong of me."

"But you did it anyway. And dommed her in Crate and Barrel. Dick move."

"No, she left already. I took the pic there to be funny." said Maximus.

Maximus told me He was going to call me from the car, which i told Him i would refuse to answer. It wasn't that i didn't want to talk about it, i refused to have this conversation with Him while He was driving. First, it's not safe. Second, the connection is never good while moving, words get jumbled, calls get dropped, and it's poor communication at best and extremely frustrating to me. Third, i want His full attention and don't want Him multi-tasking and not using His entire brain for this discussion. So we had about 15 minutes of back and forth about this topic alone. He finally pulled over and parked in a parking lot to call.

i explained to Maximus that i felt so extremely hurt that He said that He'd Dommed Lele as it was an essential rule in our contract. The fact that it was made into a joke was even more hurtful, because i have the utmost honor for our contract and it means the world to me; using it as fodder for a joke made me feel like He didn't respect our contract, our agreements, or our relationship. Furthermore, i was frustrated that while He has several pairs of trophy panties, none of them are mine and He's never asked or taken any--i wondered why and felt hurt by the omission.

We had a lot of discussion. And it took a lot of work to make sure we stayed on topic, discussing THIS issue and not making His evening with Lele the issue. i had no problem with His dinner with Lele, i had issue with the text He sent and what that meant. He had not Dommed her, she had found a pair of panties in her coat pocket while they were at dinner and He asked to take them, as a joke. He was frustrated because He felt that by sending that text He had ruined the whole evening and wouldn't be able to talk about anything they'd talked about at all. i assured Him that this was about the text. In fact if He made it into the whole evening and refused to talk about the rest of it later, i would be very upset and we'd have a whole new issue.

We resolved it and came up with some things to amend in our contract. It took quite a while to communicate. There was no yelling, again, so we're applying lessons learned. And we've instituted a new rule of saying, "I/i love Y/you" at the start and end of each point of discussion. We took a break and He called back later so He could tell me about His evening, because i didn't want it lumped into this discussion.

The thing is, these are exhausting. And i feel responsible for them. Maximus has told me over and over and over that 95% of the conflicts we will have will be because of something He's done, not anything i've done. And i am just horrified by that statement--am i just that oversensitive to let anything go? Why would Maximus want to be with someone like that? i hate that it's been me having issues with something He's done, like i'm ruining a great thing. Why would He tie Himself to someone like that? He deserves better than a suspicious, oversensitive sub.

The Pride of a Submissive

i'm borrowing this from Tarq from Whips, Chains & Duct Tape, because i found it beautiful and true. And a perfect conclusion to the past couple of posts about conflict and resolution.

The pride of a submissive is an amazing thing, when she looks at you, you don't see a defeated woman, you see a victorious one that manged to conquer her fears and be true to her nature and destiny. When she faces judgments all around her, she holds her head high keeping her pride, knowing she made the right choice, something they fear to do themselves. When she opens her eyes you see the courage of a woman who is able to connect with her soul enough to be able to dedicate her life to someone else fully, undoubtedly, and without regrets. When you look at her, you don't see weakness, shattered life, or broken heart...in fact you see passion, love, and spirit that refuses to surrender her goal of pleasing her Master. When you try to separate her from her Master by deceit, lies, and manipulation, you find yourself facing a wonderful fighter that resists and defends her happiness, her love, her submission, and her strong relationship with her Master because she knows where she is and she trusts herself and her Master. When she walks on streets or by your side, people look and both admire and envy you not because of how beautiful she is but because every move and gesture of her body shows how she is proud to be owned by you and how her pride manifests on her looks, moves, steps, and words. Be proud of who you are and take much pride in what you represent because unlike what some people tell you, you took a step that a lot of people would wet their pants by even the thought of taking it.

Battling it Out

En Garde!

Note from gabriella: i'm writing this post because when writing Keeping the Bedroom Door Open i realized that i hadn't blogged about a fight Maximus and i had, and i should add, i HATE calling it a fight. And when i thought about it, we really had two of them, one before we started this BDSM journey together and one right after we started. For the sake of having a complete journal of our relationship, i am including both of these here. We are in no means having problems, on the contrary, we are doing GREAT, and through these conflicts, we are learning how best to communicate with each other, as we both discovered when we worked through the issue in Keeping the Bedroom Door Open.
***


Maximus and i have had two fights. Well, i should say, i initiated two fights with Maximus. While i hate that we've had these fights and i really hate that i initiated them, we did learn a lot from them. There definitely could have been better ways to have dealt with the issues involved than for me to get angry, no, incensed. i work now to control the initial reaction of getting mad so we can have constructive discussions.

Fight #1
This wasn't so much a fight as it was me walking out on Maximus, and i did walk out on Him.  This was actually a very critical event for us. i don't think i've ever communicated to Maximus just how close we came from being finished forever. Timing was critical, Maximus' timing, that is. Had He not arrived the moment He had, i would have been gone forever, and i don't think He's aware of this.

This occurred exactly a month before our talks about BDSM started. It's strange to realize that, as when i was thinking about the timeline, it felt much further back in our history than that.

Sunflower had invited me to a fundraising concert she was organizing for the charitable organization she founded and runs, and asked if i would also join her and Mountain Man afterward at their after party at a very upscale hotel. The after party would transition into a swingers party when vanilla guests left, for the "real" after party, and they wanted me to join them and stay the night. i asked if i could bring a date (i'd only just met Sunflower and Mountain Man, and while i really liked them, i didn't want to be a third wheel), and they thought that was great. i carefully brought up the topic with Maximus, as i knew one friend was going to be at the party, Z Baby, and figured Ms. W might be invited as well, and i didn't want it to be a conflict for anyone for me to show up with Maximus as my date. Maximus had only just professed His love for me a mere few weeks prior and i was concerned about the reactions of Z Baby and Ms. W to this. He said He would love to be my date and we both wondered if Ms. W was going to be there. It turns out she was, and after some discussion, we decided that it would be great if all three of us would go together and get a room of our own in the same hotel. i'd met Ms. W. once before, really didn't get to know her well, so i was looking forward to spending some time with Maximus' dear friend and developing a friendship with her as well.

Ms. W was at Maximus' home when i arrived; Maximus was swimming, so we had time alone together. This was intentional (at least between Maximus and me, i don't think this was discussed between Maximus and Ms. W, in retrospect) for a couple reasons, first, Maximus really wanted to find the two of us playing together in His bed when He arrived home, and second, it would give us some one-on-one time to get to know each other. However, Ms. W was out of bed, in a bathrobe when i arrived, and it was very clear to me that she was not interested in playing. We visited while waiting for Maximus, but i never got the sense that she was very comfortable with me. She wasn't adversarial in her conversation, but she was not agreeable, took opposite viewpoints, pointed out fundamental differences/flaws in my part of the conversations, held a negative tone, all of which made me uncomfortable. i worked very hard to find topics of conversation for us, looking for common ground, something we could discuss in a positive manner, hoping to make a connection with her, but just couldn't achieve it. i was relieved when Maximus arrived...He was crestfallen that we were sitting at the dining table talking, not fucking in His bed.

We headed into town and spent the day walking around the city. i was my playful self and worked hard to include Ms. W in this, refusing to write-off a friendship with her. i clasped my arm in hers while we walked, pointed out items in stores and storefronts, told jokes and giggled, held her hand, but i just could not break through the proverbial ice.

We returned to the room, which was magnificent. Maximus had to run out and get wine and left us to get ready for the concert. This room was amazing, a clear pane glass wall separated the bedroom from a pedestal tub in the bathroom, which filled from a spout in the ceiling! All i wanted to do from the moment i saw that room was to take a bath. i told Maximus i was going to bathe and we whispered and giggled about me including Ms. W in it. i told Him i wasn't sure if she was going to go for that, from the vibes i was getting from her, and i questioned whether she really was bi-sexual, as He had told me. But Maximus encouraged me to try, saying that she was very submissive and that i just needed to initiate it. i filled the tub and invited her to take a bath with me, which she agreed to with some hesitation. i got in and she followed, sitting at the other end with her arms crossed tightly over her breasts. Ugh. i did finally get her to turn and washed her back, but that was the extent of it. Maximus joined the two of us briefly when He returned, but by then the water was getting chilly and we stepped out.

Ms. W just didn't appear happy at the concert; she plugged her ears, didn't get up and dance around or clap as Sunflower, me, Mountain Man, or Maximus did. She clung to Maximus at intermission while i flitted about meeting people, which is what i do. i just felt bad about it. i realized then that we were just so different and that while we could be together in a purely social situation, we just weren't going to be friends, no matter what i tried. i had gotten the same vibes when we'd first met several months before. i decided that i would talk to Maximus about it the next day after Ms. W left.

We then arrived at the party. We were late, having stopped for dinner beforehand, and the party was in full swing when we got there. Ms. W never let go of Maximus and i simply joined into the action, as i love swinger parties and was getting a lot of great attention (see Objectify me about this). Ms. W gave Mountain Man a two hour blow job while he was tied down to a massage table (i bound his hands with a handcuff knot and tied them down to the table early on in the evening) but she did not play otherwise. Maximus found me at several times during the evening to check in and told me He loved me. i had a great time! Eventually, however, i was tired and as Ms. W was still working on Mountain Man, i told Maximus i was great, spent, tired, and was headed down to our room; i assured Him i was fine, which i was.

When i was in the room, i started to reflect on Ms. W. i was a bit befuddled because Maximus assured me that she liked me from the first time we'd met, even though i told Him didn't feel great vibes coming from her then. Out of curiosity, to see what she really did think, i picked up Maximus' cell phone to check their texts to see if it would give me insight. Maximus had given me carte blanche access to His cell phone, email, calendar, day timer, etc. and i'd never taken Him up on that before. i didn't see anything to cue me in on her thoughts on me, in fact i wasn't discussed at all, but what i did find was a  plan for them to get together on a date that Maximus told me He had to be home for an appointment--it was my birthday. He'd been down for several days prior i had thought He was staying through my actual birthday and i'd made plans, only to surprisingly find out that He was leaving the day before. i'd asked Him if it was for another date, and He assured me it was not.

i exploded inside. HOW DARE HE! i stormed over to His day timer and saw that He did indeed have her down on my birthday. He'd promised to never lie to me, assured me just a few weeks before on our trip to Vegas where He told me He loved me, and here it was, a lie, and on my birthday. No wonder she didn't like me--he obviously loved her.

That was it, i had to go. i changed my clothes, packed my bag. i realized that i had the room key, that if i left, they'd have no way to get back in the room. So i wrapped the key in paper, wrote His name on it, went back up to the party room and slid the key under the door so He'd have it to get in. i returned to the room. i decided to check the texts and the day timer again to make sure i hadn't read things wrong. i actually had looked at the previous year in the day timer, which had her down on my birthday, but it wasn't written on this current year, which made me even more mad, that He'd intentionally omitted putting her on the calendar so i couldn't see it. The texts, though, were clear. i started to the door and just as i reached the door handle, Maximus opened the door.

"Hey, you're up!" He chimed. "i was just telling Ms. W how it was just like you to think about others, realizing that we'd not have a key, so you left one for us. You're just so sweet!" And then He noticed my bag. i'd turned to get my jacket off the coat hook. "What's going on?"

"i'm going home," i said.

"What? Why? What's going on?" He asked rapid fire.

"You lied to me." i told Him. i turned to face Ms. W and asked, "Where did you sleep the night of [my birthday]?"

"I was at Maximus'." she replied.

"You lied to me." i repeated to Maximus. "You said You had to go home for an appointment. i asked You if it was for a date and You said no. i read your texts."

"i had nowhere else to stay." Ms. W started.

i stopped her. "This isn't about you, Ms. W, this is about Him."

"No, stay." He pleaded. "How are you getting home? Your car is at My house."

i told Him i was taking a cab to His house, getting my car and driving home. "You promised to never lie to me," and i walked out the door.

i expected Him to chase after me. But He didn't. i sat on the bench at the elevator lobby for a long time, sobbing. i sobbed because i was angry, because He'd lied, because He didn't chase after me. Because it meant the death of some very special plans. i don't know why, but after about 15 minutes, i went back to the room and quietly knocked.

Maximus opened the door, pale, face pained, "I'm so glad you're back."

"i don't want to talk about it right now," i stated as i entered.

"Tell her what i told you," Maximus said to Ms. W as i walked back in. "Tell her what i said."

Ms. W looked at me painfully and said quietly, "He said He felt like He'd just gotten His balls cut off."

i couldn't even look at either of them. i took off my clothes and got into bed. Maximus was in the middle, laying on His stomach, arms pinned underneath Him, a position i've never seen Him take in bed. It was as if He was terrified to touch either one of us, as if it would show preference to one or the other. i couldn't stand it. i got up, my mind reeling, put on a robe and sat in the dark on the floor of the entry, typing notes into my phone for what to talk about. Maximus came to me, knelt on the floor and begged me to return to bed, but i refused, i couldn't. i told Him to go back to bed, and He refused, stating He was going to lay on the floor with me until i came to bed. i needed to be alone, to write down my thoughts and i needed Him to give me the space to do that--i told Him this as He curled His body around mine on a heap on the floor.

"We need to talk about this and we need to talk about this without Ms. W here. We can't talk now without her listening and it's not about her," i said. "Go back to bed, let me have my space. i have to get my thoughts written out, You know this, You have to let me do this. i'll come back to bed when i'm done."

The morning was awful, i felt terrible, brokenhearted. i took a 30 minute scalding shower--Maximus came in for a bit and tried to play but realized i wanted none of that. i got ready and waited for them in the lobby. Everything was pained. Maximus snapped at me at one point during the walk to breakfast, something about "oh what didn't i communicate now?!?" and i quietly said, "stop..." i knew it was just a reaction, not like Him at all, but i didn't want to have a fight in the middle of the city on a sidewalk with Ms. W. We returned to Maximus' home and Ms. W left leaving us alone.

We sat outside on His patio and talked about what happened, my issues.

Here are my notes from my phone:

This is MY issue.

i enjoyed the event and party. This has nothing to do with that. i didn't return to our room because of any problem at the party...i was done and satisfied and wanted to have my space. That's how i recharge.

This stems around:

1. My trust issue that i didn't realize was a problem until now
2. Being scared about falling in love
3. Lack of chemistry with Ms. W

i'm terrifed.

i felt scared when You told me You loved me. i didn't tell You because it felt nice to have someone tell me they adored and loved me. i am afraid to be in love with You because being in love always consumes me.

i'm also worried that there has not been enough time for You to heal from JB. JB and Covert Ops are a lot of Your conversations with Ms. W. It is a big shadow for you both. i worry that i might be part of Your healing process, like a rebound, rather than a sustained relationship and my heart cannot handle that.

i'm having difficulty trusting. And i hate it. i'm not sure what to do about it. my trust issue is not related to people, my trust issue is in believing that we are legitimate. i think that stems from my fear of being consumed and then devastated if i'm wrong. i was wrong before.

i came back to the room legitimately to sleep. Party had lost my interest and i was bored. i had no trust problems there.

i was thinking about how i just wasn't comfortable as a non-sexual or sexual threesome with Ms. W. For me, this is like taking one for the team. She isn't interested in me. She's not someone i would choose to be with socially or personally. She's negative, passive. You ask me to basically force myself upon her. She's so not interested and i'm not interested in uninterested people. i don't break-in women. i feel like there is an expectation to make her into a bi-sexual woman.

When we're all three together i don't feel the Maximus i'm used to. i miss Your spontaneous touch and affection. It feels You are so worried about equity that its equal absence. i'm not comfortable in this threesome.

i DON'T feel uncomfortable with You and Ms. W without me. i DON'T feel uncomfortable with You and ANY other woman alone. i DON'T feel uncomfortable with you and i with another woman or couple where i have a connection.

i was curious what she really thought of me. i didn't trust what You'd told me, that she liked me but was uncomfortable with cramps. It's odd to me that she's always on her period and "it's awful" each time. So i decided to look at Your phone. That's when i saw the thing about Tuesday. i was devastated and incensed. my heart broke.

The text from Airplane Girl about Tuesday while we were together was still on my mind. In fact, i was still unsettled by it.

While we were in Vegas, the plan to meet Boat Guy and Aussie Girl was for Monday or Tuesday of my birthday week because You'd be here through the morning of my birthday. Your schedule change to leave the day before my birthday was a total surprise to me. And it hurt my feelings frankly as it was a night to celebrate my actual birthday on my treat someplace special. It wouldn't have been a big deal otherwise.

i like the distinction of the "who we came with rule" and coming all three of us doesn't work. We did that rule with The Englishman but not Ms. W.

GOT. Why? What brought this? i don't understand why this applies to me when You have been with Ms. W so much longer. Why isn't she Your GOT?

What does this look like? Why me? Is this unique to me, or not? i don't understand how our relationship differs from the one with Ms. W.

i want something that's unique to me, i guess. And not meaning the acronym.

i want you to consider the perspective of this in the context of how You felt when Covert Ops was telling JB he loved her.

What happens when your divorces are final? What then? Where will she be (sounds like not where she is now). What is your relationship? What is her GOT? What does "tap tap" mean. Is that her GOT?

You said at one of our first times together that You didn't know what You'd do if Ms. W fell in love with someone else. What if you two decide to have a traditional relationship. What about me? my heart will not take that. It scares me.

Ms. W asked me yesterday how long i've known You. It appears she knows little about me. i know a lot about her and her marriage and situation. Why is our knowledge about each other so different? What does that mean?

i'm not going to write out His responses to all of these questions, other to say that He answered all of my questions fully and without getting offended, and to a degree in which i was satisfied. He shared with me how our relationship differed from the one with Ms. W. Explained that while He had to leave early for an appointment, Ms. W was not the appointment, it just worked out that He was going to be home that evening because of that, and that allowed an opportunity for her to come over. We learned we needed to be better about communicating, especially in regards to getting together with other people, and needed to share our schedules fully, including coming up with a shared electronic calendar.

A lot our rules come from this weekend and the discussion we had. It uncovered a lot of issues, helped us discover and share our limits. Dishonesty is a hard limit, for both of us, and Maximus saw firsthand just how hard of a limit that is for me. It's intolerable.

Maximus asked me never to leave Him like that again and i promised i wouldn't. i didn't have the heart to tell Him that had He not arrived just then, i would have been gone forever. i think Maximus' impression was that i had been waiting by the door for Him, waiting for Him to stop me. That wasn't the case. This blog post will be the first time He learns this, and it's not that i held that deliberately from Him, but i couldn't get the words out in front of Him without collapsing.

i'm thankful for some divine intervention that delayed me in that room long enough for Him to arrive.


Fight #2
This was a knock-down, drag-out fight...not in the physical sense, but in the angry, yelling, stomping, sobbing sense. Yes, i had a tantrum.

And it also dealt with a miscommunication about Ms. W. It's frustrating to me that both of these fights and the frustrations we've had have been issues surrounding her. They aren't issues ABOUT her per say, they have been our (my) issues about Maximus' behavior that pop up, and my perceptions about what is going on. i'm not saying i'm perfect here...not at all! i over-analyze things and have had a tendency to assume the worst.

Maximus was traveling extensively during November. We Skyped, texted, and emailed a lot. This was when the topic of BDSM came up, so we were extremely chatty about that and terrifically turned on! We'd been texting and talking while He was at the airport. He'd been looking at toys and clothing and telling me to check certain websites. He was so aroused. The last thing Maximus texted before He had to shut off His phone for the flight was, "Be advised...Warning, Maximus is very very in need of gabriella. Round the world for sure. you will be wet from head to toe. It will look like you just got out of the shower. Continue in Chicago." During His flight, i got a fantastic idea, and i texted Him while inflight, "gabriella could come service Him tonight if it would please Him..." i actually started packing, realizing i could beat Him to His home and be waiting for Him--i was super excited!

Unfortunately...when He landed, i received, "Maximus would love that but two homeless people will be there. The Englishman and Ms. W. Damn." i was immediately mad. "So Ms. W get all Your ardor. Kinda pisses me off. Goddammit i can't even be spontaneous with you because of Ms. W." He asked me to be patient and i replied, "No! i'm tired of being patient about it. Officially pissed off. She has the primary relationship with you [referring to the clause in our newly agreed-upon contract that stated WE were each others primary relationships]. If i did, it would be no problem for me to come up. That's fucking bullshit, Maximus. This is why i asked if she knew about us because she lives like she's your wife."

Maximus was trying to get to His gate for His next flight and i was impatient to talk (yell) at Him. "i promise waiting on this is not going to make it any better." He replied, "I'm walking thru the fucking airport baby. Give me a break."

i waited a bit and asked if He would talk. He replied, "I always want to talk with You. In the red carpet club downloading work messages before I have to get on my next flight. This conversation is over until I get in the car at home and can talk." This infuriated me further as His last words before His last flight were about continuing our sex talk in Chicago...now He had to download work emails instead?!? I simply responded, "Goodbye. If work messages are more important than You made Your decision. i will never be second fiddle."

"Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. There are 300 people here and there is no private place to talk. Please stop," He responded. "i don't think You get it. Then MOVE! Unless you are willing to let us go over first class waiting," i added.

"My head is going to explode," Maximus replied. i simply responded, "my heart already did."

It was relationship hostage-taking at its worst, for both of us. i fired the first shot, however.

Maximus ended up moving and calling, but i had gotten into the car to drive anywhere...to get out because i felt like i was suffocating in my home. i pulled over in a school parking lot and started to talk, but Maximus kept interrupting me, defensive, which angered me and i started to yell. We weren't communicating at all. We couldn't hear and we couldn't talk. The call ended in silence, which eventually cut off automatically. i sent Him a last text, "i'm really at a loss. Don't know what to think. That was not the conversation i needed or wanted to have." "Agree. Closing door. Will be drinking heavily."

My heart sank. i couldn't leave things this way. i really wanted to see Him and apologize for yelling, for throwing a tantrum. And really, some conversations are just better face to face than over Skype, text, phone, or email. So i decided to meet Him at the airport and made the three hour drive and met Him when He exited the secure area. "I knew you'd be here," He smiled and giggled, embracing me, "I thought, gabriella's a woman of action, she'll be at the airport when i get there, and here you are." i just apologized and sunk into the crook of His neck.

My plan was to talk at the airport and then drive home. i did NOT want to kick Ms. W out, but Maximus had already contacted her and she was going home, which made me feel awful. He insisted that i stay with Him, which i kept trying to convince Him wasn't my intention of coming up, but He won over. We talked in bed, promised to communicate better, listened.

i'm not proud of my actions. i'm stubborn and hardheaded and tend to ramp myself up, something Maximus chalks up to my heritage. i'd like to say that we'll never have conflict again, but i know we will. However, i'd really like to believe that we, i in particular, have learned through these experiences how to better communicate. We both feel that how we dealt with conflict in Keeping the Bedroom Door Open was a huge step, proof that we've grown. i do trust His love for me and commitment toward us and i hope He trusts mine as well.