"A" Game, Opacity, Bat Shit Crazy

Something that came up during our conversation at our Valentine's dinner after i got off the train was the amount of, or lack thereof, of separate play over the last couple of months. As fate would have it, a few days before coming up, i had three men, who i've played with before, contact me to get together and had made arrangements to meet after i returned from our VD weekend. i told Maximus about each one of these as they came in, so it was no surprise to Him, and He was very excited for me. It'd been at least a month since i'd had any separate play, due to illness.

This sudden in-rush of playmates started me thinking about Maximus' play and how it has dropped off. Not only has He not been playing, i'd noticed that He'd not even been online to any of His/our swinger sites. i was concerned that my previous jealousy issue, which had been due to a misunderstanding and later dealt with, had carried over and was making Him fearful of playing separately. And it wasn't that He'd not gotten offers, Big E had contacted Him several times to entertain little e and Maximus had declined. This was not like Maximus at all.

Maximus shared that at first, He was a little gun shy about playing separately due to the episodes surrounding Ms. W, however, that wasn't keeping Him from separate play. He'd gotten extremely focused on work and it has been so gratifying that He's immersed Himself in that. As for declining play with little e...He wanted to wait until i could play with Him with her and Big E. This surprised me. "It's just so much better with you, and I want to wait to share that with you," He said. "And I don't feel wanting by not playing, I'm happy, I'm satisfied."

During our last night, laying in bed, this came up again as i had received a surprise rendezvous request from a woman friend who i didn't know was kinky (more on this in an upcoming blog post). We were discussing my incredible upcoming week of play, the amendment of the no sleeping-over rule, and the conversation naturally returned to His play. As we were talking, Maximus talked about His options, WorkoutK, LeLe, Sunflower and Mountain Man, the local swingers club, and Ms. W. He spoke about how sex with others was B Game and that, comparatively, sex with Ms. W was pedestrian. This made me wonder and i asked, "So has our journey into BDSM and ramping up our intensity changed what was once A Game sex into B Game sex?"

"That's really interesting. I hadn't thought about that, I'll have to think about it," He replied.

The next morning, while waiting for the ferry, Maximus shared that, yes, our level of intensity of play has changed what A Game sex is for Him and that it has so satisfied Him that playing separately just doesn't hold the same attraction. "I'd rather wait for A Game sex than have B Game sex," He explained. "I'm just so happy and I don't feel wanting." He continued on that looking for new playmates on the swinger sites has lost much of its appeal in that He just didn't want to invest the time and money required to woo new dates, the meetups, dinners, trying to get together, etc., for vanilla-ish, B Game sex. What He does love, however, is having me hunt, sharing that with Him, the thrill of my stories in all their detail, my excitement in finding new playmates for us.

What a switch this is. i'm not alarmed by it anymore, like i was, because i understand what He's saying and i trust that. It's beyond flattering and completely unexpected. Quite a big change for the quintessential ladies-man, swinger Maximus.

During our conversation about money, Maximus received a text message. As His mother had gone ill and His brother had been texting updates on her condition, i inquired if it was an update about His mom. He said, "No, it was someone else." This was odd, as normally Maximus is very forthcoming about His texts, and usually tells me who it was and what they said. In addition, His face and body language changed when He said it. i thought, "Oh, it must be Ms. W. and He's uncomfortable to tell me now when she texts Him." i decided it wasn't important to discuss now and i'd find another time to talk about it as i didn't want this level of awkwardness to continue, should it have been a text from her.

i brought it up during our conversation while driving home. We were reviewing our weeks again and i inquired if He was going to get together with Ms. W. for her birthday. He said He'd not heard any plans for that. i asked if she had texted Him yesterday, and He replied sheepishly, "Yes, she did, but I didn't respond."

i replied, "You know, it's ok to talk about her, You don't have to hide that she texts. i understand now what the relationship is/was. My jealousy was based upon a misconception. Give me an opportunity to show you that." i continued that i could tell that it was a text from her due to how differently He had responded to my inquiry. "Really?" He asked.

He talked about being completely transparent. And i replied, "You know, that's not transparent, that's opaque." He pondered for a moment, and replied, "You're right, that is opaque. I thought I was being transparent and it was opaque. I get that. I won't be opaque." 

We're finding our level. i know He's guarded about the subject of Ms. W because He's cautious about hurting me, about talking about her so much to show transparency that it makes me misunderstand and feel jealous. i want to have an opportunity to show Him i'm not jealous and that i understand. Opacity makes it hard to do that, as i don't get a clear picture of what's going on.

Early Valentine's Day card from Maximus

The last topic had to do with the phrase, Bat Shit Crazy and came up as we were just starting to talk about Porch Time. 

Maximus has referred to my couple of emotional blowups as going Bat Shit Crazy and i know He doesn't mean it in a derogatory way, in fact, He has made sure to point out that it is done to make light of it, but my heart sinks every time He says it. i get embarrassed. So when we started talking about porch time, he mentioned Bat Shit Crazy and again reminded me that it wasn't derogatory--i decided i needed to be honest with Him about my emotional response to that phrase and what is makes me flash to.

My last husband talked very derogatorily about His exes, wife and girlfriends. He described the progression of their relationships as normal until they suddenly went nuts, crazy, out of control for no reason. i was always extremely sensitive to this, trying not to ever go down a path that would lead him to call me crazy. And i believed him when he said he'd done nothing to potentiate this in those relationships. However, as our relationship went on, i came to understand there WAS something very wrong with his interpersonal relationships with women, that he was emotionally abusive, a verbal hostage taker, and i began to suffer from severe anxiety and anger in response. i even had an emotional explosion after a party at our home from something demeaning he'd said and ended up losing control and requested my mom take me to the emergency room to get me calmed down. This had NEVER happened before. i sought counseling and went alone as he refused to go with me. I let him convince me i had an anger problem and had my physician put me on an antidepressant and antianxiety medications in response.

It finally became apparent to me that i had a marriage problem, not an anger problem, and freed myself from that abusive relationship. i stopped my medications immediately, despite my physician advising i stay on them to "deal with" the emotions of getting divorced. i wanted to see if my theory was true, and had no problems "dealing with" my divorce process, in fact, i never felt better in my life. i had a marriage problem that led to my anger problem.

Now, in my effort to be completely honest and transparent with Maximus and share everything, i held this back from Him. i was horribly embarrassed about this, my hospital visit, losing control in angry outbursts, counseling, and being medicated. i thought it would diminish me and that He'd not want to be with someone with this history. And then i had the emotional outburst about Ms. W and worried it was a trend in relationships. i couldn't let Maximus think i had a problem. i wanted to see if i could handle this so He'd never find out.

When Maximus had mediation for His divorce from JB, He described that she had gone Bat Shit Crazy toward the mediator during the process. He came home and detailed the day and included that His attorney had counseled Him on future relationships. "Don't go out and get another Bat Shit Crazy woman and make sure she makes more than $100,000 a year," she said. "Oh my god," i reeled inside when he presented that, "thank god i at least make the cut on income. He can never find out about my response during marriage #2." i honestly felt He was telling me that to find out if i met the qualifications to be in a relationship with Him. i assured Him that i was not Bat Shit Crazy and thank god i met the income requirement.

But Bat Shit Crazy made me flash back to that every time, made me feel physically ill. i was so embarrassed about the emotional blowups i'd had with Him and wanted to be so far past those, mortified that i'd been medicated during my second marriage, and absolutely fearful that He would leave me should He ever find out this past and that i'd not been forthright to Him about it.

i divulged it all in the car. And you know, He was shocked. Of course He was shocked. Shocked at my past, shocked that i'd allowed myself to be medicated, shocked that i'd not felt comfortable to share this, and utterly horrified that i thought His sharing of what the attorney had said was His truth, His requirements. He meant it as a funny conclusion of that horrible day, not a personal prerequisite for our relationship.

We've agreed to not use Bat Shit Crazy. And i'm thankful for that. We appreciate the conflict we've had and i've proven that these were isolated incidents that occurred from being absolutely frustrated to the point of explosion. This is not our normal means of communication, we've shown that. We've learned to communicate effectively, and have avenues for discussions. While we don't plan on Taking it to the Locker Room, we know that it is a last resort when all means of communication fails, and it doesn't mean either of us is crazy, we are just at our wits end.

i do feel better that Maximus knows my whole truth. And, it gave Him an opportunity to show me that we are together GOT. He didn't run.