Broken

i broke up with Maximus today.

It was my choice, not my preference.

i feel i had no other choice, feel badgered.

He does not agree.

It started Thursday on my way up to see Him. He called to tell me about His plans for His evening after i arrived. His plans were to spend the evening eating pizza and drinking wine at Swimmer Guy's house. Just them. i was to hang out at His place.

Nice. Not.

This trip has been planned for months. i've taken vacation, arranged my schedule. And now, with a sick grandmother, am making arrangements to come home immediately should the situation decline and she pass away. It's been a priority. And now, it is apparent to me that i was not.

"Can i come with You?"...pregnant pause. "Uh, well, it's just that Swimmer Guy wants to talk."

He already has plans to swim with him in the morning, go to brunch, and take him to the airport; all of which was planned and i was totally fine with. This is not planned and happens right after i'm set to arrive there. i feel like i've been slapped in the face.

i stop to visit my grandmother and can't figure out why i'm even going up now. i text:

Would You prefer that i not come up until Saturday evening so You can do all the things You want to do? i can go home after the race. Feel like i'm encroaching on Your things. i just need a place to stay the night before so i don't have to drive up so early race day.

He responds, "No, keep to the plan and you aren't. I NEED you."

I continued up. Enroute, we talk. i explained how i felt about these changes and how it feels rude to make plans for me to come up and then make new plans that don't include me. He has changed plans with Swimmer Guy; canceled dinner that night and will just have tomorrow's plans. i still sting about His initial decision and feel disregarded.

That night, Maximus gets a text and reads it aloud, like He often does. It's from Swimmer Guy saying, Hey, if your business dinner gets over early come over, even if it's late.

Business Dinner?? Maximus has made an excuse that He can't go because of a last minute business dinner. i'm reeling. He can't tell His best friend the truth, can't tell him about me? We've been together six months, i've met Swimmer Guy eight months ago, we're serious, and He can't tell him about me? i let it go, it's not worth arguing about. my heart hurts, though.

Soonafter, Maximus tells me He has been invited to Ms. W's up on the mountain. She is now in the middle of her divorce and He at the end of His. Their exes are not amicable with either of them and things are really quite contentious. i can't believe He's considering going up there, to a town with 100 people, in JB's backyard, flaunting Himself, risking destroying any agreement they have and risking her opening up new disputes out of anger--she's already gone postal as it is. He asks my opionion and i share that i think it's foolish. i am shocked that this is coming up again, that He's willing to risk the finality of His divorce for this. i let it go, it's not worth arguing about. my head and heart hurt.

Upstairs, i find my boudoir portfolio upside down. Upside Down, the pictures are displayed upside down. This is a man who get OCD about couch pillows...He wouldn't miss an upside down picture. It appears to be put on the nightstand in a hurry for my arrival, not noticed it was upside down. i can't NOT say something about this. He says it must be from dusting and then argues that He prefers it upside down...which is it? Dusting or preference? This doesn't make any sense to me. i let it go, my soul is aching.

We spent time together and had a good time despite the nagging things from the first night. i put them away, not worth the fight.

Until....

We'd finished playing an intense scene with our friends Mountain Man and Sunflower, where i was tied, blindfolded, headphones playing music, for hours. It took some time to get me back to reality and we were down in the kitchen visiting and sipping wine when i got a phone call that my grandmother had died. Awful.

Maximus kept asking me what i wanted Him to do, over and over. i don't know what i want Him to do. i don't know. i don't know! i don't know what i want me to do. i want Him to just hold me and tell me it'll be ok. He wants me to tell Him if He should cancel His work trip to California. i don't know! i can't make that decision for Him, i don't know His work rules. i tell Him that over and over and i'm getting more and more frustrated. i can't get Him to understand that i just want Him to do what He wants to do to support me. i won't tell Him what to do about work. If He wants to cancel His trip and be with me, great. If He can't, great. You tell me what you can do. i can't make that decision for You and certainly not right now, five minutes after the phone call.

Mountain Man and Sunflower get ready to leave and mention LeLe's upcoming party. Maximus told me He wasn't going as He wouldn't be getting back from California until late, late that night. Mountain Man and Sunflower tell Maximus how excited they are to hear from LeLe that He's coming to the party. Wow.

All i want to do is leave. Get out of there. Now. i start picking up toys. Mountain Man and Sunflower have left and i tell Maximus i'm leaving as soon as i'm packed.

i feel like a ghost!

Maximus wanted to tell His family and friends about me in November, before His divorce mediation and i insisted that was not a good idea as it could interfere with the process and make things very horrible. i suggested we wait until the divorce was final.

In December, they agreed to the terms of the divorce and signed paperwork, or what i thought was divorce paperwork. i asked, "So now you just have to wait the 90 day waiting period and it's final?"

"No," He replied, "no waiting period necessary as the process took longer than the 90 days from date of separation and involved the court system."

So i think His divorce is final. i find out later i'm wrong. i think He is waiting to share His news about me to His friends and family until the holidays are done, as not to take away from that. Then, i think we are waiting until after the birth of His grandson in February as not to take away from the birth. But then i learn, after that, that His divorce is NOT final...that JB still has not signed the final documents--they only signed that they agreed on the terms of the mediation. She's refused to sign the divorce documents. i feel duped. i feel deceived. i feel like i've been led on.

i can't take any more. i am destroyed. i am frustrated. i am ANGRY.

i don't feel i've been told the truth. i feel like i'm a convenience. i feel foolish. i've been thinking He was excited about me, wanted to share about me as i have done with Him. He insists it's only days away from being signed, that i'm overreacting and we've agreed. But here are the problems i have:

• i feel i was made to believe the divorce papers had been signed.
• i thought we were waiting on holidays and events to pass and then i found out different
• He has insisted that He's not sharing about me because He doesn't want to mess up the final paperwork yet He will gladly go to Ms. W's and flaunt themselves in the same small town as JB and Covert Ops, which has way more risk of damaging the process than i ever would have.
• He insists it's days away, so what's the big deal in sharing about me to Swimmer Guy on his two day visit before He returns home to Europe? He lied about me to him. He couldn't even say He had someone staying with Him.
• He was ambiguous to His brother when He talked to Him about supporting "a friend" at a race during the event. His brother has been trying to get Him to date, even suggesting online dating services. 

We argue all night. i drive home in the morning exhausted. After a huge battle, He cancels His work trip and comes down the next evening and stays until the day after the funeral.

We argue again the night before He leaves. We are not communicating well at all. When He leaves, He can hardly even wait for my mother and me to exit the garage to back out and drive away. i'm horribly embarrassed and my mom's reaction to that. i want to die right there on the driveway.

He calls that evening to share His epiphany, that He never wants anyone to yell at Him ever again. i'm so irritated because He presents it as an ultimatim, that He's got no responsibility in frustrating me to the point of anger and not letting me take a break when i need it to avoid yelling.

We make it through the conversation with some breaks. At the end, He tells me He feels great about us and asks how i feel. i feel like i'm on unsteady feet. i don't really feel great.

He also lets me know that He's got two playdates set up now. One with Ms. W and she's staying the night and another with LeLe, who is going to a divorce as well. And then He goes to bed.

i laid in bed and realized that i felt hurt that He ran home so quickly and set up play- and overnight fuck dates. i think that's insensitive. i texted Him that i feel uncomfortable about that and think the timing's bad. i text but don't hear back as He's asleep now.

i drove to work in the morning, didn't hear from Him at all. On the drive i felt huge waves of anxiety, a weight on me. i can't take this anymore. i decided i needed to leave Maximus, that His refusal to share me in His whole life is unacceptable to me, that His insistence about needing to be divorced to do that, despite His willingness to flaunt His relationship with Ms. W in front of His ex-wife is in complete opposition. He can flaunt her and risk His divorce, but not share me with His family and friends which has no risk of damaging his divorce. 

He texted good morning and that He just saw my texts. Didn't say anything about the content, just that He missed them during the night. i had to ask if He'd even read the content. And then i advised Him i was done, that if He was going to hold me to needing Him to be divorced to be shared in His life, then i could no longer be in a relationship with Him. It was wholly inappropriate for that rule to be applied so unilaterally, that it was ok to have a relationship and not be divorced, but not to share about me. i feel illegitimate.

And He let me go. No fight. So we're done.

i need someone who cannot contain their joy about our relationship, that can't wait to share about it to friends and family, to include me in their life FULLY. i've done that for Maximus. i need that. i've asked for that. Sharing about me to His friend and family at this point has no risk to damage His divorce.

Instead He's fucking Ms. W, which has all the sense of placing an open candle on a stack of dry straw. It's not that He's fucking Ms. W that angers me, but that He cannot see how that behavior risks everything, that it risks His divorce, which pisses off His ex and prolongs this divorce and prevents it from being over so i can be part of His life fully. He cannot see how that flies in my face, that He's applying rules differently. It's perfectly acceptable to risk His divorce by flaunting her, a huge risk, but not to share me privately with close friends and family who only want Him to be happy and would never tell JB that He has a relationship--i find that asinine. He refuses to see how He's breaking my heart and soul by lying about me, hiding me. It's acceptable to Him to lose me and this relationship that He said was the love of His life.