Balance

i've been thinking a lot about control and balance. From an outsider's perspective, a BDSM relationship looks out of balance, someone relinquishing complete control to someone else, becoming powerless. But the fascinating thing, when done respectfully and correctly, is that a BDSM relationship is completely balanced, a partnership that celebrates communication, honor, respect, love, trust, adoration, giving and receiving, tenderness, honesty, and strength--things that people often complain losing in their relationships.

Most people would be absolutely shocked to learn i was in a D/s relationship. On the outside, my life appears all about power, strength, control, orderliness. i work in a non-traditional field for women, having not only broken a glass ceiling, but obliterating it. i am take-charge, focused, a leader of men, convert chaos into calm, hold high expectations for myself and others, and it has been said i have the biggest balls of anyone. my picture appears in the dictionary next to the phrase, "Type A." i own my home, my car, and everything in my life was purchased by me. my finances, retirement, paperwork are all in perfect order and i support myself. i live in a "model home" (an attempted slam uttered by ex-husband #2 as i escorted him out of my home the final time) that is clean and orderly all the time. i push myself in the sport of triathlon, distance running, pushing myself through endurance events other people shake their head at.

But on the inside, my core, what most people fail to observe, is my desire to serve and please. All of the above traits and attributes are products of this desire. my career is all about serving others, 100%. i wrestle chaos so others can have calm and recovery, often jeopardizing my personal safety and sanity to do it. i lead others in a philosophy that the leader, the pinnacle of the org chart, is in the position to serve everyone in the organization so they have the tools and environment they need to be successful--i think the org chart is upside down. my worst fear is to fail someone, especially someone i care for or love. People see me as a perfectionist, but my truth is that i hate making a mistake and disappointing anyone.

i have to have order to relax, to dwell in my sanctuary of calm, to quiet my mind. But i hate telling people to clean and will exhaust myself achieving a clean and orderly environment. i get disappointed and frustrated having to tell someone else to pick up after themselves, something they should know to do--i don't like to be the dominant one about this. This has been a problem in previous relationships, because i cannot relax, continuously clean and harbor feelings of discontent from this lack of balance. i have been accused of being "bossy," had husbands call me by my job title in my own home, something which i find demeaning and infuriating, because being dominant in a relationship is not comfortable for me. This carried into financial matters as well, when i felt my spouse's financial decisions, or lack thereof, put me and his family at risk. i need a strong, orderly partner so i can submit and be calm.

Then what is it about endurance sports? Triathlon is a sport of pushing limits, going beyond what your body or mind think is possible, pushing through pain and doubt, riding on endorphins. my race medals hang on a rack that says, "Never limit your challenges, Challenge your limits." i think this holds absolutely true in BDSM.

For me, being submissive provides structure and order. i get a sense of peace not having to make decisions. i get to swim in pools of absolute adoration from Maximus, be cradled in His body, stroked, calmed. He helps me push my limits, revel in the rush of endorphins, and be under His sole protection. i get to please Him, oh how i get to please Him. In bondage, i am held in structure, able to relax into my surroundings. But i have not lost control--there is a balance. i can ask for what i want, although i may not get it right when i want; my pleasure is His pleasure as well, He just decides when and where. And i always have the ability to use a safeword.

We are not 24/7, but many of these things carryover in our relationship outside of BDSM. i trust Maximus implicitly and this is not relegated only to our BDSM relationship, it's essential to our entire relationship. my desire to please Him does not shut off outside of BDSM, nor does my honor or respect. He owns my body and soul, but He honors my free will, respects my time, supports my endeavors.

i feel more in balance now than i have ever felt. i have had times where my career dominated every bit of my life--it was my job, my area of scholastic study, the source of all my friendships, was a career i shared with my spouse and therefore included much of our communication. i never felt so out of control and we lost our marriage. my second marriage was to a man who gave the appearance of strength, but it was artificial, positional, required me to be dominant and then was thrown back into my face. i gave all of myself without receiving adoration or honesty or respect. i lost my soul and it has taken years to recover it.

Loving BDSM is about balance. It is about trusting completely, sharing, and allowing someone to take you to new heights you didn't know existed and couldn't achieve alone--this stands true for the Dominant as well as the submissive. i love Maximus for seeing my truth, something no one else had the ability to find.