The Nightmare

i had the most horrible nightmare this morning. One where i awoke not sure if it was a nightmare or real. This was the morning after our talk i wrote about in Growing Pains. i got up and wrote it down for Maximus.

You were here staying before your trip today to Detroit. There was someone else here too, another friend of yours, a woman, wasn’t anyone i know but in my dream i knew her and liked her. She was sleeping in the guest room. It was last night and for some reason, R (my ex-husband) and his two kids, E and D, came over because E wanted me to give her $300 to pay for vet bills for a dog she had. i can’t remember why now. But all three of them came in. It was really late and we were in bed. D had a friend and they immediately came into the house and started looking around to see what had changed. In fact all of them did that. E needed to get the dog. D started into my room and i told him not to because i had company, but he did anyway. It was chaos. You got up and went to go talk to R, with a smirk on your face as if you were looking forward to having him see you there. i went back to telling E that i was not giving her money for a dog i didn’t own before, during, or after my marriage to her dad and that i didn’t cause him to see the vet. Again, i don’t know why, but i have the dog, which is not any dog we had when i was married to R. E went into the guest room where your friend was and it woke her up. We ended up getting them out of the house. i gave D money for something, but i can’t remember.

It was almost time for you to leave for the airport. You were upstairs talking on the phone to someone about your trip and kept saying “We” in context to everything they were asking about your trip. “We’re arriving at XXXX,” “We’ll be getting a car but we need to know where we need to go,” etc. i thought, “We?” You had a backpack on the table downstairs, and you had two tickets (they looked like tickets to a play, not airline tickets) on the table next to it, one was an airplane ticket and another was a ticket to the party you are going to. i opened your bag and there were two more tickets, another airline and another party ticket. i grabbed them and ran upstairs to where you were talking on the phone and started screaming at you and you got off the phone. “We?!? Who’s going with you?!? It’s Ms. W isn’t it!!” You got this smirk on your face. “Well of course,” you simply replied. “You are together aren’t you, have been all along! That’s why she has all your flight information!” You just kept smiling, laughing at me and started getting your stuff to leave.

i started to throw your stuff around. i imitated that i was going to tear up your tickets. The other woman friend started to laugh at me and how outraged i was. She knew all about your relationship with Ms. W and how i had no idea. i kept screaming at you all the things we’d done, what i’d done, how i trusted you and you just kept smirking. You kept telling me it was true, that you and Ms. W had been together all along and you did it in a way that i knew it was true, not mocking me about my accusation. The woman wanted two plates back, she’d gotten them out of the cupboard saying they were hers—they weren’t, they have giraffes on them and i’m telling her they were a gift to me from a friend, Gina, and she said, “Yes, my friend Gina gave those to me. (i don't have a friend Gina)” i finally just stopped fighting with her about it and let her take the plates. She looked at you and started to laugh that she’d gotten them.

You both went out into the garage for your cars. Yours was on the street. She needed to back out and come back into the garage for some reason and i dropped the garage door purposefully on the car. My phone rang and it was R asking if i was ok, that he’d heard about what was happening. WTF? How could he know, i asked. He’d left a listening device on the counter when he’d been here and heard the whole thing. He wanted to know if he could come over. NO!!

Then i realized that i had been getting up that morning to drive to Seattle to give testimony in your divorce from a subpoena i’d received. i was supposed to work and had thought I’d just go to the courthouse while i was working but then I realized I had wrongly thought the meeting was in Portland. So i went into a closet and called in sick to work. When i got out, R was there. You were getting the garage door off the woman’s car and you were both laughing at me. i went to your car wanting to destroy it but realized i couldn’t, that you were on the street and i’d be arrested for it. i gestured like i was hitting it over and over with a baseball bat. You laughed as you got into the car and the two of you drove away out of the neighborhood. i yelled at you that good thing for me i was heading to give testimony that i had been subpoenaed for. Your face dropped and you immediately started to call your attorney and i regretted telling you about it as you’d forgotten and i lost my payback. You drove away.

i went back into the house realizing i needed to get moving to make my appointment in Seattle. When i got back in the house, R had removed my beautiful oven and replaced it with some old crappy one (i don’t have a free-standing oven, it’s a drop-in, i don’t know what this is about. It wasn’t my kitchen anyway and even the street wasn’t my street in my dream). i couldn’t believe it, “What are you doing?!?” yelled. “It’s an antique you bought, don’t you remember?” It was a piece of crap and i didn’t have time for it. i threw on clothes, telling him i was going to Seattle to testify and didn’t have time. He just smiled at me.

That’s when i woke up.

The dream bothered me--a lot. i was so shaken that i couldn't go to the gym before work like i planned. i knew i needed to capture the dream right then because i'd lose important details later. i wrote it down and emailed it to Maximus. He had texted me while i was writing it to let me know He was at the airport for His trip. He'd had a dream too, that He'd been wearing a breathing mask that i wear for work but it wasn't hooked up to air and it was hard for Him to breathe. He has a phobia about not being able to breathe. He wondered if they were related.

i've been thinking about the dream and then went to a website i like for dream interpretation. It was very interesting and not what i thought it meant on face value.

Smirk The smirk on His face throughout the whole dream was disturbing. It reminded me of a joker or jester, which is a symbol for being embarrassed.

Mask A mask is a symbol of struggling against jealousy.

Cheating Cheating dreams reflect intensity of sexual passion and actually serve as an affirmation of commitment but also fear of abandonment.

Dog A dog is a symbol of loyalty. Giving away a dog is a worry that someone think's i'm being disloyal.

So it makes sense, that i'm embarrassed and worried that i think He thinks i'm jealous and will push Him away. His dream is probably struggling with thinking i am jealous. We shared these interpretations and agree. And, with this, i'm soooo done talking about the last day and a half's discussions! It's time to move on!